A Forum user has asked for the following to be posted anonymously because they believe that the comments should be viewed stand alone as opposed to being attributed to an individual.
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I have found during my time here and on other sites that chatting over the internet, be it in forums, chat rooms, MSN etc. can be a turbulent pastime.
You cannot truly judge the other person’s mood. There is no eye contact, there are no subtle differences in tone of voice. We don’t have the ability to measure and correct misunderstandings as you would if you were having a face-to-face conversation or even a phone call. We are unaware of what is going on in others lives and forget that they too may have families, jobs, mortgages and sick relatives, not to mention past and present issues. Of course emoticons may help to relay some moods.
Communicating using the written word, usually composed quickly and often in haste can lead to all sorts of invectives. A whole forum could be ruined like this. We write messages in our own private space, inside the head. It is almost like we are reflecting but have no outside consequences. We are generally unaware when we compose a post that they become permanent and although they seem at the time like passing thoughts of no consequence, they do become a permanent record of what in reality is experienced virtually.
I feel that the forum is a fragile environment, however it also shows that people can be involved in elaborate control of what they expose or reveal about themselves. It may be a selected or idealised part of their self. It is not so easy to pull this off in real life. I think that what people see themselves as on the net is a highly selective part of themselves.
We all know how hard it is to make that first post in a community that obviously know each other very well. It’s like being the new kid at school joining in the middle of a term. I don't think that there is much that can be done about it. People will either try to become a part of the community, or else they will sit in the shadows, probably reading, but not posting much.
However, a new user may join the forum and tries so hard to join in that they over compensate. Joining the forum with the attitude of “I am here, you WILL notice me†is not a desirable approach and can only lead to alienation by some members. They may try so hard to join a group that they change the nature of that group which may cause offence to some existing members.
A lot has to do with the character of the individual involved. Those that make the effort, will become part of things, and will reap the rewards from that.
Any large group of people will eventually become a clique, and there is nothing you can do about that. But, it is possible to make new people feel welcome and therefore limit the effects of the cliqueiness.
There are so many in-jokes and shared experiences that newcomers may feel trepidation at posting, or when they do, may take some time to feel involved. You wouldn’t walk into a group of old friends and expect to be part of the history that has gone on. That said I think that on the whole we are good at welcoming newcomers.
If we were to be described as a clique I would like to think of it as an open clique, although, I know some people may feel differently. All we can do is try to make new members welcome and hope they stay.
People form their own little groups of friends, that's only natural, but when it becomes clique-y and harmful, is when a group decides it's better than the rest, and delights in excluding people.
That I feel has never been done on here.
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The person concerned wants to thank you all for your comments and to post a follow-up of what happened later in his/her life.
____________
For this second part I need to go back to when I was 13 or 14 at this time in my life I was suffering from mental health problems but it was only when I was in my 30's / 40's that I found out what I had gone through as a child / teenager, since I was going through the same thing then.
Besides suffering abuse from my stepfather and so called uncle, some older boys at school and to add to these was a teacher who would catch me in the school showers
It was at this time a guy picked me up in a toilet and he took me to a big derelict garden behind one of the big houses near by, even though others had used me for their own pleasure this guy did me a lot of damage and I had to hide my underpants when I got home as I could not explain to my mother about what had happen, if I told her about that I might have let slip about the boys at school, the teacher, my stepfather or the so called uncle and as my stepfather said it would be all my fault and a lot of people would end up in prison.
Yes I have had counselling ten years of it and that is one of the reason I wanted to put this on here to show that I can now talk about it.
Another person I came up against while playing hooky from school was a policeman and if I let him have sex with me he would not tell my parents, according to him there was no need to tell my parents about what he did because he was a policeman and policemen do not tell lies.
Many many other guys have used me for their own use, they only reason these guys have done what they did to me was because THEY LOVED ME and if I had not had such a SEXY BODY they would not have done it, I was just leading them on with my sexy walk or something else, then we have the guys who are ramming away at a child which I was, listening to them telling me how I was gagging for it and then they would give me 10/- shillings and make me swear that I would not tell anyone.
All through my teens I had to suffer such things, until one day I had an all mighty fight with my stepfather and walked out, still I could not tell my mother why I was leaving and she was devastated, I did not talk to my mother for about 10 years and it was only after my mothers death that I was able to tell the rest of the family what this guy was like.
I shattered my brothers, uncle and aunts memories of this guy, it is a great pity that I could not have done it while he was alive.
Some years later I found out that he had my sister at 14 and each time I look at my niece I see my stepfathers face, even now I can not get away from him.
It was at 14 I started to make streight guys pay for it and by 18 I started to make some of these guys pay for what they had done to me in the past, one of the three guys from school used to take his girlfriend to the pictures every weekend and I would wait at the bus station waiting for their bus to arrive dressed in my little black number, stocking, suspender and heals, some of the trash they went to see I could not stand but I had a plan and at one evening show dressed in a little black number with a very short skirt, stockings, suspenders the lot I sat next to the courting couple in the back row, while he was whispering sweat nothings to her I was brushing my hand up and down his leg and he was so willing, so when I started to masturbate him his partner was so shocked, and he tried to say he thought it was her.
Before they departed I pointed to his girlfriend about my little extra package and that her boyfriend was a willing partner, taking off my wig in the cinema foyer all I said to him was did he want to have my arse again as he had been using me for about three years as a sex toy, I also told her that he was more interested in young boys that girls.
For the second of these three I turned up at his wedding, it didn't go down a bundle when I pointed out that he had been in a relationship with me and he liked young boys dressed as women, because as a guy in a frock I knew what other guys wanted.
The wedding was called off.
The third one came to work came to work at the same place as I was at, he was rely good looking and a great hit with the ladies, so one day in the canteen he was joking with a crowd of females and I just happened to ask him if he still liked being sucked off. As I did not deny being a queer, I also got on with the ladies and we used to discuss the merits of each of the guys in the factory each time I saw him after that he would say that he would get me, what more harm could he do than he had already done.
It was time to have a go at some of the other guys, my so called uncle committed suicide, my stepfather died before I could do anything about him but I made sure of pissing on his grave and little by little I got even with most of the people I could.
After getting even with some of these people, I moved away for Tyneside and spent the next 30 years in the South of England, for the time I was in the south I meet a guy when I was in my 20's and just to prove some of the people in the past wrong I had a 13 year relationship, but he was looking for something that I could not give him and when a toyboy came along he left. I had another relationship after that, but since then it has been mostly one night stands as I can not find any one to commit to what I want out of life.
This is about some of the sad times, but there have been many good times, like living in Soho in about 62 for about a year, working on the streets earning about £100 a night and just blowing it the next night by takeing my so called friends to restaurants.
By a freak chance I found a job that I liked, where I had loads of young men and women around me and no one was using my body in the way I did not want it used, I remained in this job for 30 years.
Even at the age I am now, I still have a fantasy about a guy on a big white charger taking me away from it all.
Only with my luck there I would be me in my best frock and he would charge up the beach on a donkey and keep going.
____________
For this second part I need to go back to when I was 13 or 14 at this time in my life I was suffering from mental health problems but it was only when I was in my 30's / 40's that I found out what I had gone through as a child / teenager, since I was going through the same thing then.
Besides suffering abuse from my stepfather and so called uncle, some older boys at school and to add to these was a teacher who would catch me in the school showers
It was at this time a guy picked me up in a toilet and he took me to a big derelict garden behind one of the big houses near by, even though others had used me for their own pleasure this guy did me a lot of damage and I had to hide my underpants when I got home as I could not explain to my mother about what had happen, if I told her about that I might have let slip about the boys at school, the teacher, my stepfather or the so called uncle and as my stepfather said it would be all my fault and a lot of people would end up in prison.
Yes I have had counselling ten years of it and that is one of the reason I wanted to put this on here to show that I can now talk about it.
Another person I came up against while playing hooky from school was a policeman and if I let him have sex with me he would not tell my parents, according to him there was no need to tell my parents about what he did because he was a policeman and policemen do not tell lies.
Many many other guys have used me for their own use, they only reason these guys have done what they did to me was because THEY LOVED ME and if I had not had such a SEXY BODY they would not have done it, I was just leading them on with my sexy walk or something else, then we have the guys who are ramming away at a child which I was, listening to them telling me how I was gagging for it and then they would give me 10/- shillings and make me swear that I would not tell anyone.
All through my teens I had to suffer such things, until one day I had an all mighty fight with my stepfather and walked out, still I could not tell my mother why I was leaving and she was devastated, I did not talk to my mother for about 10 years and it was only after my mothers death that I was able to tell the rest of the family what this guy was like.
I shattered my brothers, uncle and aunts memories of this guy, it is a great pity that I could not have done it while he was alive.
Some years later I found out that he had my sister at 14 and each time I look at my niece I see my stepfathers face, even now I can not get away from him.
It was at 14 I started to make streight guys pay for it and by 18 I started to make some of these guys pay for what they had done to me in the past, one of the three guys from school used to take his girlfriend to the pictures every weekend and I would wait at the bus station waiting for their bus to arrive dressed in my little black number, stocking, suspender and heals, some of the trash they went to see I could not stand but I had a plan and at one evening show dressed in a little black number with a very short skirt, stockings, suspenders the lot I sat next to the courting couple in the back row, while he was whispering sweat nothings to her I was brushing my hand up and down his leg and he was so willing, so when I started to masturbate him his partner was so shocked, and he tried to say he thought it was her.
Before they departed I pointed to his girlfriend about my little extra package and that her boyfriend was a willing partner, taking off my wig in the cinema foyer all I said to him was did he want to have my arse again as he had been using me for about three years as a sex toy, I also told her that he was more interested in young boys that girls.
For the second of these three I turned up at his wedding, it didn't go down a bundle when I pointed out that he had been in a relationship with me and he liked young boys dressed as women, because as a guy in a frock I knew what other guys wanted.
The wedding was called off.
The third one came to work came to work at the same place as I was at, he was rely good looking and a great hit with the ladies, so one day in the canteen he was joking with a crowd of females and I just happened to ask him if he still liked being sucked off. As I did not deny being a queer, I also got on with the ladies and we used to discuss the merits of each of the guys in the factory each time I saw him after that he would say that he would get me, what more harm could he do than he had already done.
It was time to have a go at some of the other guys, my so called uncle committed suicide, my stepfather died before I could do anything about him but I made sure of pissing on his grave and little by little I got even with most of the people I could.
After getting even with some of these people, I moved away for Tyneside and spent the next 30 years in the South of England, for the time I was in the south I meet a guy when I was in my 20's and just to prove some of the people in the past wrong I had a 13 year relationship, but he was looking for something that I could not give him and when a toyboy came along he left. I had another relationship after that, but since then it has been mostly one night stands as I can not find any one to commit to what I want out of life.
This is about some of the sad times, but there have been many good times, like living in Soho in about 62 for about a year, working on the streets earning about £100 a night and just blowing it the next night by takeing my so called friends to restaurants.
By a freak chance I found a job that I liked, where I had loads of young men and women around me and no one was using my body in the way I did not want it used, I remained in this job for 30 years.
Even at the age I am now, I still have a fantasy about a guy on a big white charger taking me away from it all.
Only with my luck there I would be me in my best frock and he would charge up the beach on a donkey and keep going.
This user-account has been set up as a way for people to post responses to events in the forum without using their usual user-name. Mark and the mods have access to this account - if you feel you need to respond in a way that is anonymous you can PM one of the mods and they will post your info using this anonymous account.
The first posting of this kind is by someone who feels strongly about comments made in the forum recently, about "people choosing their lifestyle rather than being born that way". The following text is in the forum member's own words as a response to such opinion...
__
From an early age I knew I was different and from the way I was treated at school and by adults this only went on to confirm it.
From my earliest memories I remember always wanting to play with the girls.
This was after the second world war and we would play on the bomb sites, we would make a square "Today kids can use a Wendy house" house bricks and with one young girl in particular we would play mummies and daddies, now in our game she would always be daddy and I would be mummy.
The young girl I played with only lived two doors away and we went to nursery together our mothers were friends and our dads went drinking together, so weather at home or at nursery we could be found playing the same game.
At the end of each day some of Wendy's teddies would be found in my room.
I was the youngest in a largish family by about 8 years and at the time I did not question the reason why.
At this time we lived in a rundown area of Askew Road in Gateshead and this part of my childhood was happy, even though from this age I was under the impression that I was female.
From the nursery I joined the locale infants school at which time my brother left and went to Kelvangrove, by the time I got to the same school as my brother he was ready to leave.
In the time between the time I was at nursery and infants school I was quite happy to live my the way I was, but towards the end of the happy days lots of things started to change. The person who I thought was my farther would slip into my bed at night and it started by me held close to him so I felt wanted this went on for some time with one hand around me pulling me close to him and with his other hand he would play with my genitals, this action went on to him putting his dick between my legs and with his heavy breathing I would then feel something wet running down my leg.
By the time I was 12 I was used to my step farther slipping into my bed at night hearing his heavy breathing, then the wet stuff that ran down my leg. On the first occasion that my face was pushed down into the pillow with his heavy weigh on top of me and his dick between my legs, I could lay there quite with a pillow over my head cutting out the heavy breathing and making up stories in my head as to what was happening to me.
Then came the day that my step farther and I went to meet an uncle, even though it was daylight I was put into this uncles bed face down, after a frightening wait they both came into the room, with my face pushed into the pillow with another pillow over my head I felt a searing pain in my rectum and after they had both finished I was dressed and taken home. Once or twice a week I was taken to visit this uncle and things would be done to me but no marks were left.
I was threatened that if I ever told anyone I would end up in a foster home along the rest of the kids in my family, then my step farther and mother would be put in prison and "It would be all my fault".
Because of this guy I would always choose the wrong types of friends, like the older boys I mixed with at school who used me as a sex toy when they could get it any where else. I was striped from the waist down and made to suck the cock of one while they all took it in turn to have a go at my rectum and their threat was that if I ever told anyone they would never talk to me again.
I was always playing hooky from school, but I would still meet up with one of these older boy's after school even though I knew what was going to happen to me.
Around this age I found out that by meeting men in public toilets they would pay me to perform sexual acts, it was not the money I wanted, all I wanted was someone to hold me close just so I could be near someone without being used as a sexual object.
By the time I was 14 I found that I could dresses as a girl and get straight guys to let me do things to them and they would pay me for doing it. It was also at this time I found someone a little younger than myself that would let me hold him and vice versa and for what seemed a life time we had a relationship were no penetration and little sex was included on either side and in 1961 my young partner died I was 16.
I did not write this to have people pity me, I wrote so all The God Freaks who think that everyone has a free will out there can see that not everyone has a Free Will to chose how their life turns out and when will these people realise it.
At some stage I shall write a follow up at a later stage I may write a follow up to bring you all up to date.
The first posting of this kind is by someone who feels strongly about comments made in the forum recently, about "people choosing their lifestyle rather than being born that way". The following text is in the forum member's own words as a response to such opinion...
__
From an early age I knew I was different and from the way I was treated at school and by adults this only went on to confirm it.
From my earliest memories I remember always wanting to play with the girls.
This was after the second world war and we would play on the bomb sites, we would make a square "Today kids can use a Wendy house" house bricks and with one young girl in particular we would play mummies and daddies, now in our game she would always be daddy and I would be mummy.
The young girl I played with only lived two doors away and we went to nursery together our mothers were friends and our dads went drinking together, so weather at home or at nursery we could be found playing the same game.
At the end of each day some of Wendy's teddies would be found in my room.
I was the youngest in a largish family by about 8 years and at the time I did not question the reason why.
At this time we lived in a rundown area of Askew Road in Gateshead and this part of my childhood was happy, even though from this age I was under the impression that I was female.
From the nursery I joined the locale infants school at which time my brother left and went to Kelvangrove, by the time I got to the same school as my brother he was ready to leave.
In the time between the time I was at nursery and infants school I was quite happy to live my the way I was, but towards the end of the happy days lots of things started to change. The person who I thought was my farther would slip into my bed at night and it started by me held close to him so I felt wanted this went on for some time with one hand around me pulling me close to him and with his other hand he would play with my genitals, this action went on to him putting his dick between my legs and with his heavy breathing I would then feel something wet running down my leg.
By the time I was 12 I was used to my step farther slipping into my bed at night hearing his heavy breathing, then the wet stuff that ran down my leg. On the first occasion that my face was pushed down into the pillow with his heavy weigh on top of me and his dick between my legs, I could lay there quite with a pillow over my head cutting out the heavy breathing and making up stories in my head as to what was happening to me.
Then came the day that my step farther and I went to meet an uncle, even though it was daylight I was put into this uncles bed face down, after a frightening wait they both came into the room, with my face pushed into the pillow with another pillow over my head I felt a searing pain in my rectum and after they had both finished I was dressed and taken home. Once or twice a week I was taken to visit this uncle and things would be done to me but no marks were left.
I was threatened that if I ever told anyone I would end up in a foster home along the rest of the kids in my family, then my step farther and mother would be put in prison and "It would be all my fault".
Because of this guy I would always choose the wrong types of friends, like the older boys I mixed with at school who used me as a sex toy when they could get it any where else. I was striped from the waist down and made to suck the cock of one while they all took it in turn to have a go at my rectum and their threat was that if I ever told anyone they would never talk to me again.
I was always playing hooky from school, but I would still meet up with one of these older boy's after school even though I knew what was going to happen to me.
Around this age I found out that by meeting men in public toilets they would pay me to perform sexual acts, it was not the money I wanted, all I wanted was someone to hold me close just so I could be near someone without being used as a sexual object.
By the time I was 14 I found that I could dresses as a girl and get straight guys to let me do things to them and they would pay me for doing it. It was also at this time I found someone a little younger than myself that would let me hold him and vice versa and for what seemed a life time we had a relationship were no penetration and little sex was included on either side and in 1961 my young partner died I was 16.
I did not write this to have people pity me, I wrote so all The God Freaks who think that everyone has a free will out there can see that not everyone has a Free Will to chose how their life turns out and when will these people realise it.
At some stage I shall write a follow up at a later stage I may write a follow up to bring you all up to date.
