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Chunky__Love
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 49
Forum
Apologies again for not making it along, looks like I missed a damned good night as well.. Absolutely gutted, and my work are going to suffer for preventing me from making it to the party.
Really sorry again, as I was so wanting to meet a lot of you as well. Absolutely gutted.. But you can bet your sweet hooters that I'll be at the next one.
:cry: :cry: :cry:
Really sorry again, as I was so wanting to meet a lot of you as well. Absolutely gutted.. But you can bet your sweet hooters that I'll be at the next one.
:cry: :cry: :cry:
Honestly, I'm doing everything I can to get the time off, but the Manager, (who incidently is one of the most glorious pr!cks I've ever had the misfortune to work for) is being a complete ass hat about it..
I've tried the old 'Family Emergency' thing, Told him I would work extra to cover the time I was losing.. But according to him he's 'not allowed' to sanction any time off for staff until next month.
Tell you what, if my space hasn't been filled yet let me work on him till the weekend, and will let you know for certain if it's a yay or nae by Sat..
Really was looking forward to sharing a drink with you all down there as well. :cry:
I've tried the old 'Family Emergency' thing, Told him I would work extra to cover the time I was losing.. But according to him he's 'not allowed' to sanction any time off for staff until next month.
Tell you what, if my space hasn't been filled yet let me work on him till the weekend, and will let you know for certain if it's a yay or nae by Sat..
Really was looking forward to sharing a drink with you all down there as well. :cry:
Lucy - I'm helluva gutted as I'm going to have to pull out.. My work are being a sorry bunch of b*stards and I'm not getting the time off to get away for the Munch. :cry:
I was really looking forward to meeting everyone as well, but events have conspired against me on this one.. Hope you all have a great night though, really wish I could be there.. :cry:
:cry:
I was really looking forward to meeting everyone as well, but events have conspired against me on this one.. Hope you all have a great night though, really wish I could be there.. :cry:
:cry: I've posted this before, but I thought I would dig it out again since we're on the subject.. 
Was about a year ago and it was getting late on in the club. I was busting for a piddle so I ran up to the toilets and unleashed the fury against the porcelain. Things were going well, I was draining the main vain and trying desperately to avoid the splashback then as I gave it a wee shake to loosen off any hangers on, (Lets face it lads, "No matter how much you shake your peg, at least one drop goes down your leg) I stood back and ripped up the zipper on my work trousers.
However, in my haste to get out of there I had forgotten one important thing. To return my little soldier to his barracks before pulling up my zipper. :shock:
I felt an almighty pain, and I looked down to see my poor wee friend intertwined with the metal teeth of the zipper. Now, any sensible man would see this travesty and make haste to the nearest A&E. No, not commando Chunky Love. Gritting my teeth like Rambo preparing to stitch a wound, I ripped the zipper downwards to free my dirty water gun.
Now, can I recommend to any other men out there that should you ever get entangled in your Wranglers that you do NOT pull down on the zipper. For the love of god, seek out a man of medicine who knows what the hell they are doing and leave it in their hands..
I looked down to see a very bloody stump wink at me, so at that point I thought it best to make haste to the nearest hospital.
Anywho, ran out to the car and raced like a mad fool to A&E. Slammed the car into a parking space and scarpered inside. Was impressed how well the receptionist managed to stifle her giggles whilst entering my details into the computer, and took a seat in the waiting room.
Shortly guided to a wee treatment room, where several nurses and doctors came through to 'inspect' the wee patient. (Remembering of course folks that it was cold, early in the morning, erm... have I said cold? Ach ok, no excuses.. It wasn't at it's most glorious of length)
Finally after lying there for about an hour bleeding, a middle aged indian doctor arrived who had obviously had just been dragged oota his bed. I think someone said he was a specialist, (Do you get willy mangling specialists?).
Anyway, made it my first priority to make this guy my new best friend, as he quite literally held my future in his hands..
After a quick inspection he said that he would stitch it back up, but should it get any worse over time the old '1-2-3-4 skin' will be getting the chop. So, laid back while I received two local anesthetic injections into the base of the penis, (Good god, I nearly backflipped back into the waiting room. Which undoubtably would have impressed the old lady sitting waiting for her husband) then the stitches.. :shock:
"So, worked here long?" said I in a vain attempt to break the embarrassed silence that was hanging in the air whilst the good doctor, looking very unimpressed, manhandled the meat and two veg... You know, it's amazing the patterns you see in roofing tiles when you do your damndest not to look at what's happening below..
Anyway, to cut a long story even longer, the doctor finished off his sewing with a mean looking cross-stitch, and snipped the thread off. (Can I just add that the snipping noise was not enjoyed either.) 8 stitches in total. And that's not some kinda idle boast to try and make out I'm some trouser gargantuan! No, those stitches were arranged 'inside to out' around my winky's polo neck.
At this point I dared a wee look at the downstairs car crash, and thank the big man I was lying down.. Jesus, it looked for all the world like one of those chest bursters from 'Aliens'.
Anyway, after a few cautionary words of advice and some pills, a handshake with the doctor signalled my departure from the hospital and my swift journey home in the motor.
Now, the worst part was that for about a month afterwards whenever I went for a piss it felt like I was passing hot magma, and the wee soldier swelled up to near three times it's size! (Which would have been impressive had it not turned a kinda black colour..) It healed up eventually though, and now I've been left with some natural ribbing where the teeth caught me!
Quote by postie
( Don't want to be in Thurso on monday and Lockerbie on tuesday to then go to Aberdeen for wednesday. )
You have to go to Thurso bud, that's my hometown! I moved away from there when I was old enough to have a pint, and still go north every so often to see the family..
Go to a bar called the Commercial, you'll get a good pint in there.
Firstly, I've no' had a chance to post in a wee while, so have just seen Lucy's avatar.. And now my keyboard is sticky with drool. :shock:
Good lord woman, that trunk is the kind of funk that this chunk loves! :shock:
Anywho, as I've said already my kilt is being thrown on for the occasion, and I hope you lowlanders coming north o' the border for the event will be wearing it in the traditional sense, with a slit made in the front and the pubic hair pulled through to form a Sporran?
Good lord woman, that trunk is the kind of funk that this chunk loves!
:shock: Anywho, as I've said already my kilt is being thrown on for the occasion, and I hope you lowlanders coming north o' the border for the event will be wearing it in the traditional sense, with a slit made in the front and the pubic hair pulled through to form a Sporran?
Sorry if this has been on here before, but it made me laugh!
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish. noisy destruction = man.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrrrr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,bint?"
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish. noisy destruction = man.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrrrr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,bint?"
Ah postie, that's an absolute cracker mate! Gave me a good giggle..
I'm an uncut man myself, but damn near had to get it cut off a while back after tearing it in my zipper! Was told that if the foreskin healed too tight I'd have to get the old boy snipped off, but thankfully with continual manipulation, (oi, no sniggering in the back!)she comes back now with little trouble..
I'm an uncut man myself, but damn near had to get it cut off a while back after tearing it in my zipper! Was told that if the foreskin healed too tight I'd have to get the old boy snipped off, but thankfully with continual manipulation, (oi, no sniggering in the back!)she comes back now with little trouble..
Quote by Angel Chat
Just think yourself lucky to only be an uncle... how much do you reckon it costs when you become a parent!? At least being an uncle you can give them back when they cry ;)
Oh no, I'm a papa too! And even though my daughter lives with her mother I still get the earbashing and a whack in my pay packet..
Quote by BiWelshMinx
Congrats to all the family Unkie Chunkie
LOL @ Unkie Chunkie! :wink:
My wee brother's partner just gave birth today at about half one to a healthy wee girl. Both momma and baba doing well, and he managed to sneak a quick picture on his mobile phone that he sent me of her at two hours old..
***Picture removed - and replaced with this wee darling below!***
Tiny wee picture, and I know they all look the same at that age, but I'm just so darned chuffed for them both.. An uncle again! Man, this is going to cost me a fortune..
***Picture removed - and replaced with this wee darling below!***
Tiny wee picture, and I know they all look the same at that age, but I'm just so darned chuffed for them both.. An uncle again! Man, this is going to cost me a fortune..
People who do that italics thing with their fingers when they're telling you something... you know what I mean, when they point two fingers in the air from both hands and wiggle them to accentuate a word? "I saw Peter yesterday, and I hear he was 'jogging', (cue wiggling fingers) in the park.."
Oooh, wiggle yer fingers like that to me again ya wee gossiping nyaff, and I'll buckle them backwards!
Oooh, wiggle yer fingers like that to me again ya wee gossiping nyaff, and I'll buckle them backwards!
Quote by Mia&Sam
Somehow, some of the cream slid down my bikini line, right past my flower, down to my ass and started to slide down my inner thigh.
Hehe. I'm sorry for having a joke at your pain, but I canna help but giggle like a bloody schoolkid flicking through the lingerie section of the Littlewoods catalogue when a woman calls it, 'Her Flower'..
:lol: I have my daughter down staying with me during the school holidays, and damn if she's not costing me an absolute fortune. Also, with me working nights I'm used to getting up later in the day after work. Nope, not when she's here. It's at the crack of dawn or nothing!
I love having her here, but part of me craves the quiet again and the chance to actually have some money in my pocket that's not being used on funfairs or daytrips..
I love having her here, but part of me craves the quiet again and the chance to actually have some money in my pocket that's not being used on funfairs or daytrips..
