I remember one time when I was around 14 or 15 years old being invited to a party at a friends house who's parents had gone away for the weekend, and had left him alone. Before leaving, they let strict instructions that there should be nobody round while they were gone, no touching their drinks cabinet and for god's sake don't bloody breath anywhere near their brand new top of the range hi-fi, (His fathers pride and joy, which spent many's a night blasting out Elvis classics).
So as you can imagine the moment his parents pulled out of the street in their wee Ford Escort and he had finished waving them away, he scarpered inside and got on the blower to all the lads, telling us to get our glad rags on as there was going to be a shindig in the 'Players Club' that night.. ('Players Club'.. Sheesh, we were 15 for crying out loud. The only playing we would be getting would be with Pam and her five sisters!)
I was in two minds about going. On one hand I could have sat in with my old dear and watched the Equalizer, (one of the best tv theme tunes ever!) or I could have gone out to my pals house and sat in front of the tv there.. My mind was set when he assured me that not only would it be a proper party with food, drink and tunes, there would be GIRLS there too! I launched myself off the couch, (near giving my poor mother a heart attack in the process as I bulleted past her) dived into the shower and scrubbed myself inapropriately for several minutes. Ran through to the bedroom and dug out my flashiest glad rags, (Hi-Tec white skater boots, baggy jeans that hung half of my ass and a shirt so garish it would have made even Stevie Wonder want to punch me in the face repeatedly for several minutes..)
Into the bathroom to splash on the Brut, prepared the hairdo into a fantastic 'Vanilla Ice'-esque quiff, and I was ready to break some hearts.. (Or some mirrors.)
Arrived at the party with a six pack of cider clutched tightly in my poly bag, and got straight into the drink as soon as I got inside. Plonked myself in the kitchen, (Where, let's face it, all the best people at parties congregate!) and started yapping to my pals about our plans for the night. Turns out around 20 people had arrived from our year in school, and there was a pretty good split between the boys and the girls..
Alas, as the night wore on and the drink flowed more easily down my gullet my patter with the ladies became steadily worse and worse. Lines ranging from downright corny, ("Hey did the fall hurt you? "what fall?" "When you fell from heavens lap you beautiful creature you") to the outright filthy failed to impress the ladies in attendence, and it seemed more and more evident that my chances of any under the jumper fumbling was becoming steadily less and less, so I resigned myself to the sofa where I sat for the next hour and a bit mumbling about how I didn't really want to pull anyway, and that I was only here to see my mates, (I was a sore loser really at that age, dummy spat clean oot the pram..)
Anywho, as these parties tend to do when filled with testosterone filled boys getting a glimpse of girl flesh, things descended into depravity.. Starting on a high with a cheeky wee game of 'spin the bottle', ebbing somewhat halfway through with a game of 'True or False' and ending on a poor showing at Strip Poker, (Who teaches girls to play poker?!? We were losing our trousers with each hand.. Literally! )
Now for some reason the party diminished to only about 8 of us left. 4 girls (three of which were 17 and the last one 16) and 4 boys, (all of whom were between 15 and 17). Now the testosterone was really getting fired up, and it was time to show each other some bits!
Started off with the girls giving us a flash of their boobies, and us judging who's were best, and then somehow got round to us whipping oot the wee soldiers for the girls to inspect and rank...
Well, out of four I finished a lowly third. Not dreadful you may think but at that age your ego is crushed like a hard boiled egg under Rik Wallers heel. "F*ck them" I thought, and whilst sitting there in my self pity I suddenly thought that if I couldn't get into their knickers using the sight of my magnificent wanger, then it would have to be the 'be funny' option..
So for some reason a few unruly brain cells in my cider raddled cranium thought it would be a great idea to run out to the communal hallway of my pals flat, and tow the fire hose from the outside stairwell into the flat, with the intention of running into the living room with said hose between my legs, gesticulating madly in front of the assembled ladies...
Well, nobody told me that these hoses turn on automatically after being pulled out a certain length..
AS I ran into the main room, time seemed to run in slow motion as I felt the hose stiffen, and I looked up from my crotch just in time to see the horrified expression on the girls faces sitting on my friends living room couch, as several gallons of stale hosepipe water cascaded toward them at over 50mph..
As they were blasted backwards over the sofa I swung the hose away from them as reality kicked in and time resumed it's normal speed around me.. Now, going back to the start of the story, do you remember when I mentioned how my pals parents had stressed that in no conceivable way should he even breath near his fathers stereophonic pride and joy? Well, take a wild guess what the now full flowing hose decided to turn it's aquatic wrath upon? Yep, several hundred pound worth of stereo blasted face on by several gallons of water travelling at high speed does not equate to a happy ending..
The hi-fi fell over backwards, knocking the expensive looking CD rack over in the process.. I heard a smash, (which I think was the turntable) as I struggled frantically to tear the hose pipe away from it's path of living room destruction.. I ran back out into the communal hallway as the now abandoned hosepipe flailed wildly in the living room, ripping wallpaper from the walls with it's powerful jet. Once outside, I searched for a cut off switch that would stop the flow, and not being able to find one I decided to start reeling the pipe back onto it's holder. This proved somewhat difficult, trying to convince several metres of pipe full of pulsating water to rewind itself onto a smallish spindle, but after much blood, sweat and tears I got it back on and the water cut itself off..
Amazing how quiet things became as people re-emerged from their hiding places. the girls reappeared from behind the sofa, sporting hairstyles like you see in cartoons when people are electrocuted.. The lad who's house it was could be seen gently weeping over the remains of his father's audio pride and joy.. The two other lads had taken it upon themselves to make off while the going was good, and had probably hit mach 3 on foot down the hill towards home..
The girls seemed to be in a state of shock, standing there like a group of rabbits caught in a trucks headlights as the wallpaper behind them continued it's slow descent towards the beige carpet.. Terror started to whisper in my ear, and after a few mumbled apologies I ran like a bitch out the door and made for home..
My pal amazingly hasn't spoken to me since that day, despite frequent attempts by me to quell his anger over the years. I do know however that when his parents got home he claimed that someone must have got into the flat through an open window, opened the front door and released the hosepipe into the house as either a prank or some kind of revenge.. I think he even had the nerve to ask his father if he could think of anyone that might have a grudge against him!
Anywho, I still feel sh*tty about it to this day