Well that person was a lying bastard. I have 2x 11 yr old boys and a 13 yr old girl who STILL do it!!! At least these days I can walk away from them rather than try and smile at people apologetically mumbling
"This doesn't usually happen honestly they are usually such god children"
My big problem though is big towns/cities. I live in a small provincial town in the nearly Southwest which is granted pretty and has really old buildings once inhabited with people who died of the plague but are still valued at a half a zillion quid for something the size of a hamster cage with on street parking. One did hope that once Tesco opened its 2nd store in the town that the availability of stripy would remove some plums from some mouths. Nahhhhh just makes Waitrose more exclusively Jodhpurs and Chelsea tractors.
Moving on, as I said big towns/cities have a different allure they have oh god wait for it wait for it gulp!! 99p shops!!! OMG OMG OMG I hate them love them loath them need them. I never quite remember how much until I see that great big bold sign either POUND LAND or 99p like a beacon shining out to me from way way over the other side of shopping precincts calling out saying "Lost come here come here we've been waiting for you come here come here".
At this point something takes over I can feel the switch in my mind slowly being flipped up. Mrs Lost looks at me and shudders saying " Oh no please god no not there not again"
There is a chance that we can get over it just a real slim one and that is if there no cash point machines within sight. Desperately I'm looking for one with Mrs Lost trying in vain to pull me into Littlewoods or BHS to break the spell and get back to real shopping. But I resist still searching out for that cash machine.
Then! large as life in the wall opposite moving towards me large as life is that machine partly obscured by the 'hot doughnuts' (we'll get back to that later) stall but now its shiny and its smiling at me all little buttons and pretty green blue screen the sign on it letting me know its FREE yes FREE cash withdrawals.
I desperation Mrs lost is dragging and pulling while I excitedly tell her that is FREE withdrawal. At this point Mrs Lost knows she's lost knows that I have been delivered straight to the 'dark side'. Resignation is in her eyes as I deftly remove card from wallet into slot in a movement reminiscent of a western gunslinger drawing his 45. I play the keys to the ATM like a virtuoso imagining the roar of the guns in the 1812th 20's pour forth from the silvery grail, victory is mine!!!
Somewhere in the distance I hear the voice of my loved one saying 20 minutes back here in twenty minutes.
That’s all I need, I’m off! In I go into Nirvana, into the paradise that is 'EVERYTHING UNDER A POUND' I wrestle a basket free from the stack in the doorway at which point I notice with inches of my nose biscuits oh god how we need these biscuits! Three packets of these biscuits called something or other from I assume somewhere like Holland or Germany Kids will love them !! 12 packs should see out the week! Already my adrenaline is pumping
I move on, I’m not really interested in the soap bars and tooth pastes to be honest that’s sorted we have enough at home stacked high in the cupboard under the sink from when Colgate were having a two for one offer . Hey it doesn’t go to waste1 I mean 48 packets of toothpaste is an investment! This time next year it will be 4p a tube more!
Oh but wait!! A selection of combs and brushes for 99p FOR!! 99p six in a mauve bag!! Well that’s something for Christmas stockings isn’t it I mean June isn’t to far from Chrimbo now is it! Five of those then into the basket, well I have relatives, and you can’t go wrong with hairbrushes especially six in a mauve bag. I can feel the glow of satisfaction oozing through my veins now as I looking at my burgeoning bag of goodies I move onto the household cleaners.
Well I never ! There they are. All the leading brands of cleaning sprays and jars and tins all lined up cheap as chips. I can sense the wife being extremely pleased, I take a blue one no two for the bath and then the floor one is a huge bottle I’ll be good only get the one. The yellow cooker cream comes in a pack of two for 99p!! Blimey get 4, Spray bleach 2 of disinfectant 2 of fly spray 2 of window cleaner 2 of. Hmmmm baskets getting a bit crowded.
I know! I yell at the security guard to watch my basket as I put it sown and jog to the doorway to pick up another, Pausing only briefly to pick up another 8 packets of biscuits before returning to my guarded basket, thanking the guard for his helpfulness in preventing the theft of its precious cargo.
Kitchen spray 2 bottles loo blocks 12 in a pack . Yes you guessed it 99p! I’m on a roll! Next up is garden and leisure. Well ok I must admit that I passed by the containers and parasols for 99p. Not that they didn’t turn my eye but the fact that it was a ¼ mile hike to the car with it and also mustard yellow is not really in this season. I do however pick up a pack of three small garden implements. A trowel a little fork and a three pronged thingy. A bargain yet again! On a shelf is an attractive looking package containing what I thought were birthday cake candles but on closer inspection I found to be sticks of plant food and wait for it.... how many in a pack ? A bloody thousand One thousand sticks of plant food for 99p.
Reading the back you put 1 stick in the earth at the side of your plant easy as that. I bought 4 packs 4000 sticks . Well you have to have something to leave your kids when you peg it don’t you. What I did find amusing later is reading that each little stick contained a good percentage of ‘guano’ to which Mrs lost did shout out “yes, you bought a load of shit!” Moving on three glass coffee mugs were in order after hearing the person in front of me saying how good they thought they looked, in a selfish frenzy I grabbed at them as they were the only ones left . Set of three!” What a result.
Adrenaline pumping pupils dilated sweat appearing on brow 48 oxo’s for 99p a pack 5 packs, instant whip 20 packs, marker pens with animal (I think) tops) 4 packs, a frying pan ideal size for one egg 99p Christ I was almost beside myself in ecstasy a jar of foetid cheese I mean feta cheese some Nescafe coffee 2 plastic race cars and a bow and arrow set for my boys ok ok I know they are 11 but they might still play with them. And a dot to dot puzzle book of my little pony for my daughter.
The till is looming and I’m frantically looking for stuff whilst being jostled with two heaving baskets of treasure towards the till. I’m desperate, so desperate for one last bargain or two and there like a saving grace they are stacked by the till1 cigarette lighters batteries and chewing gum well I buy two packs of ten lighters 2x 5 packs of gum and 6x packs of assorted batteries which I reasoned we should of bought at Christmas last year I think we could still do with them .
And then! I’m there at the checkout facing this lovely polite teenager I would have thought Polish girl who is looking at me quizzically balancing all these items under my arms and chin and in two heaped baskets. What did I say to her? “could I have a big bag please” her reply was “ something in Polish” at which the other checkout girl looked at me looked at my shopping and grinned “ saying Something else in Polish” and sniggering.
Five big! Bags and £56:00 lighter I struggle to the doorway at which p[point I see Mrs Lost at the doughnut stall buying some hot ones I called over to her and as she looked over she just stared and dropped her doughnuts on the floor. I struggled over to wards her hearing her apologise to the vendor and pointing me out at what point he said “here love don’t worry about the mess looks like you got your hands full with him” and handed her a huge chocolate doughnut saying “have this un on me.”
I do really have quite a problem with 99p shops !! I mean I get home and I know what a pillock I’ve been. I also know that the next time I go to the ‘big’ town I once again will get the urge.
In a way this is one mans tale of woe and hopelessness and maybe by sharing it with you its therapy . Mrs Lost would like to point out that actually I’m just a twat when it cones to shopping
Lost you really have lost it.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
He's an 'it'll do' person 
