Ohhhhhh! tds.....You charmer!!
someone slap him in the googlies!
:D Beggy not me though!
Kinky Lizard
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Cricket anyone?
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Sex God
If we cant get in the team can we trim the crease and oil yer stumps
Just had a call from Henry Blofeld: says he'll commentate for free if Wilma will give him a session of 'private skipping'. Phew! Radio Four eh? Come on Team, this is beginning to take off. Apparently we are entered for the 'Virtual Cup', a competition for teams that are, well, as it says on tin, virtual. We are playing Ambridge Firsts in two weeks, so come on people, let's get into the nets....no, Mrs FC, not fishnets :doh: . Ambridge are a mean side: Eddie Grundy has 'obtained' some performance enhancing drugs....('good scripts', I think they're called)...but we musn't demean ourselves, so as much as the menfolk love to keep a straight bat, I'm afraid the Viagra is off limits. If we beat Ambridge, we will be playing Trumpton in the Semi's; that will be a tough one. Pugh and Pugh are a formidable pairing, and Cuthbert ,Dibble and Grub are a terrific trio of bowlers: they made Kermit's XI look like Muppets. I think I've spotted two weaknesses however: firstly, they move very slowly and wobble from side to side ....drink, obviously; secondly, if we can stage a small 'accidental' fire nearby, they will lose half their team as soon as the alarm is raised! Cunning, eh? But let's not get too excited, even if we get all the way to Lords, and the Final, it looks like we could well be facing the favourites-Midsomer Casuals!! They are seriously good: they've murdered all previous opposition. In fact, every team they've played have ended up with less members than they started with! Old 'Basher' Barnaby is top scorer, odd, because he can't 'drive' (he gets Troy to do all his driving for him). Big contest will be 'Battle of the Sarges'....come on Bilko, teach young Troy a thing or two.....
But I'm confident as hell...why? Well, it's our secret weapon... Fiery Fred Flintstone.....he'll show 'em......as we all know, he's really been amongst 'the runs' lately...
But I'm confident as hell...why? Well, it's our secret weapon... Fiery Fred Flintstone.....he'll show 'em......as we all know, he's really been amongst 'the runs' lately...
Sex God
Quote by artificer
well, he's Australian, so it must be in his genes.
Ah. I must have forgotten to mention why I'm living here in exile. I don't drink beer, I can't stand the taste of vegemite, and (the worst crime of all) I can't play cricket. And I have an unnatural obsession with ducks. You haven't seen my photo collection.
Quote by artificer
Any more suggestions or are we ready to rumble?
We still need a streaker or three. Any volunteers?
Quote by Kinky Lizard
"oi! It's Arti the Swinging Heaven streaker! Quick grab him!"
"Just don't mention mint sauce!"
Kinky Lizard
Oh yes,I taught Erica Roe all she knew! (a very funny quote , when Erica did her infamous streak across Twickers, someone, can't remember who, said to big Bill Beaumont, 'Hey Bill, there's a bird with your arse on her chest!' -or something like that).
I'm afraid I don't take much catching these days, I streak at walking pace. The stewards see me set off, go and have a fag, a bit of breakfast, a quick forty winks, and saunter off to catch me on the half-way line :cry: . What happened to the lad that terrorised scrum -halves? Even sheep don't bother running off now, they just saunter up a slight incline and know I'll never get to 'em.
Quote by Rachel80
Is there space for me too? I am probably best in the pavillion rather than on the field.
Having been a spectator from a young age I hope I am allowed plenty of time to watch the action
Rachel
always room for new talent in the team....just sign your name here and you atr in
...................................
Just dig in Rachel 80, plenty of room on the team. We've got a busy season coming up, need all the help we can get . Now tell me, are you a googly specialist or a wrist expert?
Do you like quick ones, runs I mean, or go for the big pulls and a long session? and of course, we desperately need someone to score.....
Do you like quick ones, runs I mean, or go for the big pulls and a long session? and of course, we desperately need someone to score.....
Sex God
Anyone for sarnies..............prepared with my fair hands, I have salmon and cucumber....cheese and tomatoe or cheese and pickle...............
Sex God
Of course tds, now would you like brown bread or white?
Sex God
There you go Dawn. Sorry about the doorstep sandwich I've still got to master cutting the bread.
Anyone else now before I go and clear up ?
Anyone else now before I go and clear up ?
Sex God
Right thats it! having sat up all night putting whitener on our pads and cricket boots, (mrs davej even whitened her best stilletoes). putting our whites on a full cycle wash and pressing them until the creases are as sharp as razors we awake to find that as yet we havnt been selected. Well this just means that we will have to make ourselves available to the opposition and we can tell you that the Ambridge team are, as we speak, considering Mrs davej offer to show them her full toss behind the pavillion.
Never fear Dave J: you are in team. few others have confirmed availablity yet, so you could be batting 6,7,8.9, &10-I'm 11. Stillettos are a new concept in cricket boots: are yours the Nasser Hussain models?
Beware of those Ambridge lot, they'll be setting you up for something. Old Eddie is full of tricks.
I've got the nets set up outside GFZ, so practice any time you like. Don't know where the rest of the team has got to today, I thought they'd be here: I definitely heard sarge say he'd be down to show off his googlies....
Beware of those Ambridge lot, they'll be setting you up for something. Old Eddie is full of tricks.
I've got the nets set up outside GFZ, so practice any time you like. Don't know where the rest of the team has got to today, I thought they'd be here: I definitely heard sarge say he'd be down to show off his googlies....
Sex God
Why thankyou Arti, we'd much sooner be playing alongside you guys than that Ambridge crowd, my god they have no sense of fair play at all, your warning about Eddie seems to be correct, why only this afternoon whilst my fair lady was showing them her full toss, I was taken aside and told of some of the tricks they intended to use to ensure that the S/H team were weakened before the start.
Not only is it their intention, to get their fans singing all night outside the Shit & Shovel public house where the S/H team are booked in, prior to the match to prevent the team from sleeping, but they are also plotting to send in some distraction in the shape of Sweaty Betty. Penis Pete and Minging Maude to try and sap the energy from key members of the team.
Be warned they are a cunning bunch and cannot be trusted.
P.S. the stilletoes are not ideal for bowling in but they will provide more stability at the crease if the wicket is a little soft, te heels should sink in nicely
Not only is it their intention, to get their fans singing all night outside the Shit & Shovel public house where the S/H team are booked in, prior to the match to prevent the team from sleeping, but they are also plotting to send in some distraction in the shape of Sweaty Betty. Penis Pete and Minging Maude to try and sap the energy from key members of the team.
Be warned they are a cunning bunch and cannot be trusted.
P.S. the stilletoes are not ideal for bowling in but they will provide more stability at the crease if the wicket is a little soft, te heels should sink in nicely
Warming the Bed
Quote by artificer
Now tell me, are you a googly specialist or a wrist expert?
Do you like quick ones, runs I mean, or go for the big pulls and a long session?
I am a wrist expert and definatley love the big pulls and a long session :shock: I hope to goodness I do score, not much fun if I don't
What is the date of this match with Ambridge Arti?
BTW davej, please excuse me being thick, but what does 'Minging' mean? My kids say it all the time, I asked them what it means and they didn't know
(there followed a quick reminder to the kids not to use words they don't know the meaning of 
)Rachel
Sex God
Quote by Rachel80
BTW davej, please excuse me being thick, but what does 'Minging' mean? My kids say it all the time, I asked them what it means and they didn't know
Rachel
Our understanding Rachel 80,(from our kids) is that it is a modern term for repugnant. Although we are sure that other members with a greater understanding of words will no doubt be able to enlighten us further.
We look forward to meeting you on the team transit.
Sex God
Artificer, my old friend. What a fantastic idea!
As you have done such a fantastic job of organising the team I would like you to be Vice-Captain.
Sappho has offered her help with the teas. She will make one of her delicious date and walnut loaves and plenty of sandwiches. She also says that she loves to score - so that's alright then! She doesn't mind being one of the streakers but thinks that it is unladylike to run, so do we mind if she takes it at a more genteel pace?
I am a bit worried about Dawn being involved with the bowling coaching as she has been in trouble before for ball tampering. Mind you, she is a natural for fielding at silly mid-off :silly:.
I don't mind batting in the middle order - or lower if we can find a couple of good 'centurions' (glances at the member list by total posts to look up some promising candidates).
Our bowling doesn't look too bad. I can move it about a bit (:twisted
and I will see if Kat can join us as he ought to be good at disguised deliveries (he never does what you expect him to do) and has a mean flipper 
.
Arti, well done for setting up the nets outside the GFZ. At least we won't have to go far to top up our glasses. We will need some fielding practice. Anyone good at rolling around in the grass?
Finally, Arti, as Captain and Vice-Captain we will need a secret venue to discuss strategy and tactics. Can you PM me with the details of a decent pub near you where we can meet sometime over the next couple of weekends?
Best wishes to one and all!!
Will
As you have done such a fantastic job of organising the team I would like you to be Vice-Captain.
Sappho has offered her help with the teas. She will make one of her delicious date and walnut loaves and plenty of sandwiches. She also says that she loves to score - so that's alright then! She doesn't mind being one of the streakers but thinks that it is unladylike to run, so do we mind if she takes it at a more genteel pace?
I am a bit worried about Dawn being involved with the bowling coaching as she has been in trouble before for ball tampering. Mind you, she is a natural for fielding at silly mid-off :silly:.
I don't mind batting in the middle order - or lower if we can find a couple of good 'centurions' (glances at the member list by total posts to look up some promising candidates).
Our bowling doesn't look too bad. I can move it about a bit (:twisted
and I will see if Kat can join us as he ought to be good at disguised deliveries (he never does what you expect him to do) and has a mean flipper .Arti, well done for setting up the nets outside the GFZ. At least we won't have to go far to top up our glasses. We will need some fielding practice. Anyone good at rolling around in the grass?
Finally, Arti, as Captain and Vice-Captain we will need a secret venue to discuss strategy and tactics. Can you PM me with the details of a decent pub near you where we can meet sometime over the next couple of weekends?
Best wishes to one and all!!
Will
Sex God
As you will be aware after we threw our dummies outa the pram because our selection had not come through, Mrs davej hot footed it over to Ambridge to aid the opposition team by demonstrating her full toss behind the pavillion. I have since phoned her to say that the selection papers are through and that she shouldnt assist the opposition any further but that while she is there any inside information may well be usefull.
I am pleased to report back that mrs davej has phoned and told me she will be staying there a bit longer as she noticed that their opening batsman "had a hell of a wood on him" (bless her cotton socks she obviousely means bat)
She has also gleaned that the pitch, which is currently being prepared on two acre field on Hendersons farm, is on a slope of about 12 degrees and that the cows that currently use the field are not due to be moved until the morning of the match. She has also learnt, that the Ambridge team have no intention of clearing the copious amounts of cow poop thats in the field and see this as an advantage to them. She reports back that they believe the S/H team will for the most part, be made up of townies, who will not much fancy trampling through cow poop to field the ball. Please take these new facts into account when planning your tactics.
I am pleased to report back that mrs davej has phoned and told me she will be staying there a bit longer as she noticed that their opening batsman "had a hell of a wood on him" (bless her cotton socks she obviousely means bat)
She has also gleaned that the pitch, which is currently being prepared on two acre field on Hendersons farm, is on a slope of about 12 degrees and that the cows that currently use the field are not due to be moved until the morning of the match. She has also learnt, that the Ambridge team have no intention of clearing the copious amounts of cow poop thats in the field and see this as an advantage to them. She reports back that they believe the S/H team will for the most part, be made up of townies, who will not much fancy trampling through cow poop to field the ball. Please take these new facts into account when planning your tactics.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: As you will all remember I do indeed hold an unbroken record of 3 days at the crease with the runs clocking up!
I am certainly willing to come in the middle of the order - Wilma says I am not fast enough to come first!
However I will need some personal attention to adjust my dress before I go on - volunteers please to help me with my box..........
Now - I do fancy getting Dawn into the nets - she can put a little shine on my balls anytime - so long as she don't rub a little dirt in!
During a match from behind the stumps Rod Marsh, the Aussie wicket keeper, said to "Beefy" Ian Botham "So how's your wife, and my kids?"!!!!!
Now who is gonna do the warm up massages???????
Fred
I am certainly willing to come in the middle of the order - Wilma says I am not fast enough to come first!
However I will need some personal attention to adjust my dress before I go on - volunteers please to help me with my box..........
Now - I do fancy getting Dawn into the nets - she can put a little shine on my balls anytime - so long as she don't rub a little dirt in!
During a match from behind the stumps Rod Marsh, the Aussie wicket keeper, said to "Beefy" Ian Botham "So how's your wife, and my kids?"!!!!!
Now who is gonna do the warm up massages???????
Fred
Sex God
Ha! more subtefuge to report. Mrs davej is back from the village of Ambridge where as you know she stayed overnight to more closely examine the opening batsmans wood (I will tell the poor love its a bat honest) Anyway as she stumbled into bed her back glistening with morning dew and her pretty little knees still showing the grass stains from being on all fours examining more closely the crease, she filled me in on more detail.
Their opening batsman invited her to sit on his boat for the greater part of the night (theres dedication for you she even went to sea) and told her of Eddie Grundys plans to introduce a ringer into their team. Apparantly this ex proffesional, will be paid for from donations given into Ambridge by their listeners, who being on the older side will be enabled by no lesser organisation than her majestys government.
The ploy centres around sending Sweaty Betty and Minging Maude, over to the BBC weather centre to offer sexual favours to those brave weather readers. Once they have taken the bait, they will be blackmailed into telling the nation that the weather has turned much colder and that the temperature has dipped below the 0 degree for four consecutive days,, thus triggering cold weather payments from the government to thousands of entitled pensioners. It is from these very pensioners that those wicked Ambridge slimes intend to get the money to pay for their ringer.
Mrs davej has promised to go back over there once she has had a kip and explore a little more. I couldnt quite catch her last sentance as she was drifting into sleep and the hour is still early, but I'm sure she was talking about looking at more of their equipment as I clearly heard her say "taking it in the box whilst in my fishnets" The poor love is so tired she is getting her words mixed up.
Their opening batsman invited her to sit on his boat for the greater part of the night (theres dedication for you she even went to sea) and told her of Eddie Grundys plans to introduce a ringer into their team. Apparantly this ex proffesional, will be paid for from donations given into Ambridge by their listeners, who being on the older side will be enabled by no lesser organisation than her majestys government.
The ploy centres around sending Sweaty Betty and Minging Maude, over to the BBC weather centre to offer sexual favours to those brave weather readers. Once they have taken the bait, they will be blackmailed into telling the nation that the weather has turned much colder and that the temperature has dipped below the 0 degree for four consecutive days,, thus triggering cold weather payments from the government to thousands of entitled pensioners. It is from these very pensioners that those wicked Ambridge slimes intend to get the money to pay for their ringer.
Mrs davej has promised to go back over there once she has had a kip and explore a little more. I couldnt quite catch her last sentance as she was drifting into sleep and the hour is still early, but I'm sure she was talking about looking at more of their equipment as I clearly heard her say "taking it in the box whilst in my fishnets" The poor love is so tired she is getting her words mixed up.
