“Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it”
Adolf Hitler.
I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.
Rabindranath Tagore
"It is not enough to conquer; one must know how to seduce."
Voltaire
"Here I sit broken-hearted. Paid a penny and only farted". Anon
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Goethe
(I have that one up in my classroom.)
Sex is dirty only when it's done right.
Woody Allen
Anything by Groucho Marx:
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it."
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Carpe Diem....
Have used this for years..
"A mistress is something between a mister and a mattress". My Uncle trying to explain the busty lady who lived next door to him.
Once when leaving a club, weaving all over the pavement, Winston Churchill bumps into a woman. She says "Mr Churchill, I do believe you are drunk!"
Winston says "I do believe you are ugly, I shall be sober in the morning".
seventy two babps Connie....you slice, I'll spread
Victoria Wood
If they give you ruled paper,write the other way....Juan Ramon Jimenez
Thus richly,with ridiculous display,The politician was laid all of his acquaintances sneered and slanged,Iwept;I'd longed to see him hanged : Hilaire Belloc
"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose?"
Don Marquis (1879-1937)
Also.....
"To secure for the workers by hand or by brain the full fruits of their industry and the most equitable distribution thereof that may be possible upon the basis of the common ownership of the means of production, distribution and exchange, and the best obtainable system of popular administration and control of each industry or service."
Sidney Webb
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
a day without laughter is a day wasted.
e.e. cummings
"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
W.C. Fields(1880-1946)
"A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you." - Francoise Sagan
Speaking as a musician, I love this from Oscar Wilde when he was asked to be quiet at a musical event : " Musical people are absurd...they expect you to be dumb at the very moment you wish you were deaf "
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. - Anonymous
I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now. . . Robin Williams
Kinky is when you use duck feathers in making love. Perverted is when you use the whole duck....Lewis Grizzard
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." - Woody Allen
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. – anon
"I can resist everything but temptation" Oscar Wilde
"If Jesus was a carpenter, I wonder how much he charged for book shelves" W. Allen
"Idiot!" Napolean Dynamite
"Hell is other people"
Satre
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning"
military type in a hat
lp
)
