Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees, a Ham Bush"
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,"We only have one rule
here in heaven... don't step on the ducks.
"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together
and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has everlaid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
And the guy says,
"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
A man is walking along the street one day when he sees a ladder. Being an inquisitive soul, he decides to climb the ladder.
At the top is a beautiful large breasted (well ain't they always) woman who is lying on a bed. She says to the man
"you can either stay here with me or carry on up the ladder to success"
The man ponders for a second and then climbs the ladder further......
On this next level, there is a woman, the most georgous specimen ever, and she is pole dancing with another woman, she stops dancing for a second, sweeps her long blonde hair from her face and says breathlessly
"you can either say here with us or carry on up to ladder to success", so the man again thinks about it, and then carries on up the ladder......
On the next level, there are two beautiful women, in a 69, one looks up from drinking from the furry cup (mmmmm) and says
"you can either stay here with us and have some fun, or carry up the ladder to success"
The man, can't believe his luck, but his curiousity gets the better of him, imagining how much better its going to get if he goes even further up the ladder, so he decided to carry on climbing.
He climbs the ladder to the last level and can hardly believe his eyes:
On this level is a fat, smelly hairy man with a large smelly hard-on. He stinks and personal hygeine is obviously very low on his list of things to do.
"hello he says" to the disbelieving man "my name is cess"
THE PUSHY STRANGER
Brian is asleep in bed with his wife when there's a loud knocking at the front door. He rolls over, looks at the clock and sees that it's 3am.
'Sod that for a game of soldiers,' he says and goes back to sleep.
Five minutes later the knocking starts again, this time louder.
'Arn't you going to answer that,' mumbles his wife.
sighing Brian drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs and opens the door.
A man is standing there, getting soaked in the pouring rain.
'Excuse me mate,' he says, 'but you couldn't give us a push, could you?'
'A push?' says Brian, 'It's three in the morning, and I was asleep - piss off'.
He slams the door, goes back to bed and tells his wife what happened.
'Brian you are a dick. Remember that night we broke down in the rain on the way to pick up the children, you had to knock at that man's door to get us started again? What would have happend if he'd told us to piss off?'
Sheepishly, Brian gets dressed and goes downstairs. Opening the door, he can't see the stranger so he shouts: 'Here mate - do you still want a push?'
'Yes please, mate,' comes the reply.
Brian peers into the darkness. 'So where are you then?'
(scroll down)
'I'm over here on the swings.'
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
>crotch.
> >
> > Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
>
> > he took himself to the doctor.
> >
> > He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
>
> > fiance is still a virgin -- in every way."
> >
> > The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let
> > it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.
> >
> > He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided
> > splint,
>and
> > taped it all together ... an impressive work of art.
> >
> > The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on
> > their honeymoon.
> >
> > That night in the motel room, she rips open her Blouse to reveal her
> > beautiful breasts.
> >
> > She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
> >
> > He immediately drops his pants and replies..
> >
> > "Look at this, . still in the CRATE!"
> >
A Polish man moved from Poland to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Question: Have you any grounds?
Answer: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
Question: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Answer: It made of concrete.
Question: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real
grudge?
Answer: No, we have carport, and not need one.
Question: I mean. What are your relations like?
Answer: All my relations still in Poland .
Question: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Answer: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Question: Is your wife a nagger?
Answer: No, she white.
Question: Why do you want this divorce?
Answer: She going to kill me.
Question: What makes you think that?
Answer: I got proof.
Question: What kind of proof?
Answer: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".
Been a while since I last posted but was browsing and have been sent a few funnies of late so thought would stick em in as it were... oo-er!!
Two plane loads of volunteers have just left Liverpool to go out to New Orleans to assist with the looting...
(some slight apologies to Liverpudlians for the type casting..)
I was asked to run a marathon last week... I said no fucking chance... then they told me it was for disabled and blind kids... I thought fuck it I could win this one!!
(again apologies to the less able bodied..)
What do you call a guy who likes to fuck a hairy pussy? Duncan Bush..
(Dire now!)
Guy ended up in hospital after sniffing curry powder.... Poor chap ended up in a Korma...
(droll!!!!)
After composing these few lines to you I decided to go to the room we tend not to discuss to openly and as I sat there pon the throne,,, I was thinking to myself about all the people out there reading those jokes.. all the people that may laugh at the jokes and all of those that I may have offended.. and thinking about those people I looked up at the stars,, the thousands if not millions of stars and to me at that time each star represented one of those people and I thought through the enormity and vastness of space all of those shining stars one for each person going on forever and whilst in this contemplative state a quick thought popped into my head... Who the fuck nicked me shithouse roof!!!!!!!!
I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labor
- I work at great depths.
- I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends or holidays off.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
- I work in high temperatures.
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
The Penis
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work eight hours straight.
- You fall asleep after brief work periods.
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
- You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
- You will retire well before you are 65.
- You are unable to work double shifts.
- You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
A bus full of nuns crashes over a cliff, and sadly they all die. Moments later they are queueing at the pearly gates when Saint Peter appears...
Ladies welcome to heaven he says, you are all welcome, but first one simple question.
He turns to the first nun and asks "My child have you ever touched a penis?"
"No" she replies, "You may enter" says he.
To the next he turns and asks the same question.
"Yes" she replies "With my left hand"
"Oh my child bathe your hand in the bowl of holy water and say 10 hail Mary's"
He asks the next one the same question
"Yes with both hands"
"Oh dear my child bathe both hands and say 20 hail Mary's"
There is a commotion amongst the nuns and all of a sudden Old sister Joan pushes to the front.
"My child what is the hurry" enquires Saint Peter
"Well" says sister Joan
"Forgive for I have sinned and touched a penis, but if I have to gargle with that stuff I wanna do it before Sister Ann washes her arse in it!"
sorry but I liked it :P
Some of you might find this funny. I'm posting instructions because the link doesn't alwasy work:
click on Movies
then go to the Comedians section and click Harlan MCCray for an excellent Bush bashing!!!
The other comedians are pretty funny too.
how to get a woman to orgasm....
Make a nice expensive dinner one quiet evening when kids are away, sit together in front of fire talk about her day and her life in general. Play sensual music and offer to massage her shoulders as she looks tense, sit together comfortably on the couch and watch a nice romantic love story which you have never seen "but looks interesting" during film occasionally reach over her gently to get your drink and touch her skin softly "by accident" then smile and kiss her sweetly.
After dinner lead her upstairs where you have laid candles around the bed all lit and very inviting, lay her on the bed and gently kiss her all over, spend at least 30 mins on foreplay till she is begging for you to enter her, make slow sweet love to her whilst all the time telling her how good it feels, lay with her for a while after she orgasms then watch her drift off to sleep
How to get a man to orgasm...
Get naked give him a beer to drink while you suck his cock and he watches porn...
Click image for link to source.
Whats the differnce between an "ohhhh" and an "ahhhh" - about 2".......boom boiom!
some of the finest double-entendres on british TV & Radio
Micheal Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:"They seem cold out there,they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts"
Mike Hallett discussing misssed snooker shots on Sky Sports:"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets"
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards'tyre choice on the World Superbike racing:"Colin had a hard on during practice earlier,and i bet he wishes he had a hard on now"
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commenting on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees"
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night"
Ross King dicussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:"well Phil,tell us about your amazing third leg"
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off"
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...."My word," he said "Look at that magnificent erection"
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said,"you'd eat beaver if you could get it"
US PGA Commentator-"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so good is that,before each tee shot ,his wife takes out his balls kisses them....Oh my god!!! What have i just said?!!!"
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions"
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977-"Ah,isn't that wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew"
Ted Walsh-Horse Racing Commentator-"This is really lovely horse,i once rode her mother"
Pat Glenn,weightlifting commentator-"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria,i saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing"
Hope you all enjoy these x x
Murray Walker springs to mind.
Can't remember it word for word but something like
"That Ferrari is completely unique.......other than the identical one behind it"
alan hansen
you win nothing with kids .......man u ummm champions that year
MikeC
John Motson years ago - "For those of you watching in black and white, Tottenham are playing in yellow". Possibly apocryphal, but it's just the sort of thing that Motty would say.
I'm amazed nobody's mentioned Brian Johnston's "the bowler's holding, the batsman's Willey" comment, or indeed the Jonathan Agnew comment about Ian Botham: "he couldn't get his leg over".
:whip: :thumbup:
