FRED,FRED,FRED],FREDDDD OH!! he's gone bugger!! If only he knew Sarge is in the skip at the bottom of the alley.
SARGE, take that strawberry milkshake out of your mouth something stronger is required!!!
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YOU B*STARDS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Fred, I know. Why not do that scene from Lethal Weapon where Mel Gibson handcuffs himself to the 'jumper', and they hurtle off the roof together. That would look great. If you give me a minute I'll fetch the Camcorder. Don't worry, we'd all be below, with the dust sheet from GFZ alterations, spread out to catch you. We'd make page one of 'The Sun' this time...and you'd probably get to meet Deirdre.....
Cccrrikey, it's ffffffreezing up here. Even my helmet has got frost on it :shock: I hope Fred's okay on the BFZ. Someone should call the fire brigade. Well he seems happy enough. I just wish he'd stop singing.
Why is Arti waving a dust sheet at me???
Right, I will just curl up here around this dish and continue my protest in the morning.
zzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzzzzzz
Why is Arti waving a dust sheet at me???
Right, I will just curl up here around this dish and continue my protest in the morning.
zzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzzzzzz
*Fills the kettle from the tap behind the telly, plugs it into the shower, turns hot tap to switch on the radio, turns on the grill using the central heating thermostat, slides the grill tray under the grill under the bath. Thinks .......*
"Sarge?"
:? :?
Rushes to window
""Sarge? what are you doing out there - you have icicles hanging on your helmet! And why have you got all those pidgeons stuffed in your webbing? AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING STOCKINGS ANYWAY? :shock: ?
"Here, catch the end of this rope - I will tie the other end to Will's plumbing"
lhk
Kat
"Sarge?"
:? :? Rushes to window
""Sarge? what are you doing out there - you have icicles hanging on your helmet! And why have you got all those pidgeons stuffed in your webbing? AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING STOCKINGS ANYWAY? :shock: ?
"Here, catch the end of this rope - I will tie the other end to Will's plumbing"
lhk
Kat
Sex God
Quote by Kat
"Here, catch the end of this rope - I will tie the other end to Will's plumbing"
I wouldn't do that if I were you! That pipework is none too steady. Besides I NEVER allow ropes to be tied round my plumbing!! :shock: :shock:
OMG!!!! :shock: what the hell is that on top of the BFZ?? :shock: :shock: Oh no! I recognise that silhouette (unfortunately :eeek
. Yes, the bottle of whisky is two thirds empty, the uniform is coming off item by item. It isn't! :doh:It CAN'T be!! :shock:
It is!!!!
It's..........
Full-Monty-Fred!!!!!!
Sappho darling, would you oblige by sharing body warmth with Sarge when he comes in. He may be a bit chilly to the touch, he has been out there all night, but I am sure you can think of something to warm him up.
Right, the Sarge needs some serious warming up. Kat, a hot water bottle please. Will, hot tea please, darling. I'm taking the Sarge to bed - he needs body heat. If Fred ever comes down from the BFZ, point him in my direction too would you?
Righto, come on Sarge, come with Sappho, let's get you all glowing and toasty shall we?
Righto, come on Sarge, come with Sappho, let's get you all glowing and toasty shall we?
Quote by willxx69
"Here, catch the end of this rope - I will tie the other end to Will's plumbing"
I wouldn't do that if I were you! That pipework is none too steady. Besides I NEVER allow ropes to be tied round my plumbing!! :shock: :shock: Hold still man, this is an emergency. Right, rabbit out the hole, round the tree, back down the hole and ...... bugger - I knew I should have gone to those BDSM evening classes at the WI.
:idea: Hang on - jar of meat paste - smear some on the end of here and
FLY - come and get your teeth round this boy - and HOLD ON TIGHT
OMG!!!! :shock: what the hell is that on top of the BFZ?? :shock: :shock: Oh no! I recognise that silhouette (unfortunately :eeekI would worry more about the bottle still being one third full - who knows what will happen if it gets any emptier! :shock:
It CAN'T be!! :shock:
It is!!!!
It's..........
Full-Monty-Fred!!!!!!
lhk
Kat
Sex God
Actually, I think I know where the other third of the bottle has gone!! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ON THIS MORNING KAT!!!! 
:shock:
First you overwrite half of my post (we have lost the Sappho and strawberries comments now
) and then you paste it into your post instead of quoting it. For God's sake get a grip man!!! No, not there :shock:
AND TELL FLY TO LET GO!!!!! If you've damaged it you will have Sappho to answer to, and I don't give much for your chances.
:shock:First you overwrite half of my post (we have lost the Sappho and strawberries comments now
) and then you paste it into your post instead of quoting it. For God's sake get a grip man!!! No, not there :shock:AND TELL FLY TO LET GO!!!!! If you've damaged it you will have Sappho to answer to, and I don't give much for your chances.
Wow!! I like this dream. Don't let me wake up yet!!
I'm warming up. I can feel my fingers. I can feel my toes. I can feel.................. What is that? I can feel ....... I can feel ............. A BOTTOM!!
Oh for god's sake please let it be a female bottom!!!! I'm scared of opening my eyes.
Please don't let it be Fred. No, theres no way a bottom as nice as this can be Fred's!!!
(Opens eyes) Yippeeeeee!!! I've died and gone to ..........Sappho's bed!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I don't know how you did that Kat but I'm well impressed.
I'm warming up. I can feel my fingers. I can feel my toes. I can feel.................. What is that? I can feel ....... I can feel ............. A BOTTOM!!
Oh for god's sake please let it be a female bottom!!!! I'm scared of opening my eyes.
Please don't let it be Fred. No, theres no way a bottom as nice as this can be Fred's!!!
(Opens eyes) Yippeeeeee!!! I've died and gone to ..........Sappho's bed!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:I don't know how you did that Kat but I'm well impressed.
Sex God
Oi, Sarge!! You can stretch a friendship too far you know! You need to know that I am in an absolutely terrible mood (see the bad moods thread).
Thankfully, this is a very rare event and will pass in a couple of hours (unless some other tw*t decides to aggravate me). Soothing is one thing, but this is quite another. Sappho, darling put him down - he may be of a nervous disposition and I am not sure he can breathe too well down there.
Sarge, glad you're feeling better - now come and buy me a beer. QUICKLY!!!!
Thank God it's a lovely spring day. If the M42 and M6 are busy later, someone is likely to die! :evil:
I do hate having tantrums in public!!
I can hear my grandmother now "Was that really necessary dear?" 
Will;
After due consideration of this thread and initially thinking that the Sarge had just gone completely mad, I am now of the firm belief that the whole thread has been an attack, by Sarge, on yourself. Just look at the Title of the thread..
I am convinced that it is a typo and is actually meant to say Bard'Stard.
I also believe that you should run the bugger through at the first opportunity.
Paul
After due consideration of this thread and initially thinking that the Sarge had just gone completely mad, I am now of the firm belief that the whole thread has been an attack, by Sarge, on yourself. Just look at the Title of the thread..
I am convinced that it is a typo and is actually meant to say Bard'Stard.
I also believe that you should run the bugger through at the first opportunity.
Paul
Yep, Fun 365,
I tend to agree. Old Bilko is my mate and all, but, I fear this is all a cunning plan designed to get him to ...exactly the position he is in now (what position are you on now Sarge? Blimey! Didn't see that one in my Pilates book!). He knew Sappho would take pity on him, course he did. He knew what a sweet, caring soul she was and....has taken advantage. We still haven't heard any basis to his original protest....(Me thinks he doth protesteth too much!)...and that figure on the roof last night looked suspiciously like my missing ewe wrapped in khaki fatigues.
Come on Sarge, spit it out-no, not you Sappho dear-you're up to your Bilko tricks aren't you? Not that we think ill of you-although Will may well be polishing his rapier as I speak.
I tend to agree. Old Bilko is my mate and all, but, I fear this is all a cunning plan designed to get him to ...exactly the position he is in now (what position are you on now Sarge? Blimey! Didn't see that one in my Pilates book!). He knew Sappho would take pity on him, course he did. He knew what a sweet, caring soul she was and....has taken advantage. We still haven't heard any basis to his original protest....(Me thinks he doth protesteth too much!)...and that figure on the roof last night looked suspiciously like my missing ewe wrapped in khaki fatigues.
Come on Sarge, spit it out-no, not you Sappho dear-you're up to your Bilko tricks aren't you? Not that we think ill of you-although Will may well be polishing his rapier as I speak.
Gentlemen, gentlemen! Such suspicion! He truly was a frozen Sarge. His extremities were in danger of frostbite; it was a pretty chilly night you know. You wouldn't believe the chafing I had to do to get his circulation back to full flow :shock: .
Now where is Will? Last I heard he was stomping around in his bucket-topped boots, exclaiming 'Have at ye!' at next door's cat. Obviously in need of a little Shropshire therapy this evening.
Sappho xxx
Now where is Will? Last I heard he was stomping around in his bucket-topped boots, exclaiming 'Have at ye!' at next door's cat. Obviously in need of a little Shropshire therapy this evening.
Sappho xxx
Quote by artificer
Yep, Fun 365,
I tend to agree. Old Bilko is my mate and all, but, I fear this is all a cunning plan designed to get him to ...exactly the position he is in now (what position are you on now Sarge? Blimey! Didn't see that one in my Pilates book!). He knew Sappho would take pity on him, course he did. He knew what a sweet, caring soul she was and....has taken advantage. We still haven't heard any basis to his original protest....(Me thinks he doth protesteth too much!)...and that figure on the roof last night looked suspiciously like my missing ewe wrapped in khaki fatigues.
Come on Sarge, spit it out-no, not you Sappho dear-you're up to your Bilko tricks aren't you? Not that we think ill of you-although Will may well be polishing his rapier as I speak.
Arti;
I've noticed that Sarge has posted against another couple of threads since I made my post and yet not answered mine or yours. Though I hate to say this, as Sarge is a military man, but I think he is running scared!!!
If he is shed of his tanks, bombs, jeeps then he is in essence 'naked'. I feel that Will must deal with him, and deal with him once and for all!!!
This attempt to gain sympathy by threatening to throw himself off the roof - well even a fool can see through that. Despicable behaviour indeed.
I await the response from The Sarge (soon to be busted to Private I think)
Paul
Quote by Sappho
Gentlemen, gentlemen! Such suspicion! He truly was a frozen Sarge. His extremities were in danger of frostbite; it was a pretty chilly night you know. You wouldn't believe the chafing I had to do to get his circulation back to full flow :shock: .
Now where is Will? Last I heard he was stomping around in his bucket-topped boots, exclaiming 'Have at ye!' at next door's cat. Obviously in need of a little Shropshire therapy this evening.
Sappho xxx
Dear Sappho;
Whilst I for one would never wish to doubt you. Myself and Arti and just seeekers of truth and justice. I will stand corrected if it can be proven that The Sarge has behaved in an honourable manner - but I wont hold my breath!!!
Paul
Quote by Fun365
I will stand corrected if it can be proven that The Sarge has behaved in an honourable manner - but I wont hold my breath!!!
Paul
Please feel free to hold your breath!! 45 minutes should suffice!!!
I can asure you that after waking up in bed with Sappho my intentions were not honourable. However, my actions were :doh:
I have thanked the lovely Sappho for her hospitality and I am now stood outside, gazing up at the roof of the BFZ, wondering how we can bring a drunkern Fred back down.
:? :? Hold on, Fred is shouting something, can hardly hear him from down here.....
'Made it Ma...Top of the world!!'
Wilma, Wilma! Come quick: Fred's having a 'James Cagney' moment again....get his medicine before he gets into 'I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy!'...the roof will never stand it!! Oh shite, he's off...he's doing the 'You dirty rat' pose....we're in big doodoo! Wilma!!.......
'Made it Ma...Top of the world!!'
Wilma, Wilma! Come quick: Fred's having a 'James Cagney' moment again....get his medicine before he gets into 'I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy!'...the roof will never stand it!! Oh shite, he's off...he's doing the 'You dirty rat' pose....we're in big doodoo! Wilma!!.......
Quote by Sgt Bilko
I will stand corrected if it can be proven that The Sarge has behaved in an honourable manner - but I wont hold my breath!!!
Paul
Please feel free to hold your breath!! 45 minutes should suffice!!!
I can asure you that after waking up in bed with Sappho my intentions were not honourable. However, my actions were :doh:
I have thanked the lovely Sappho for her hospitality and I am now stood outside, gazing up at the roof of the BFZ, wondering how we can bring a drunkern Fred back down.
:? :?Sarge;
I might stamp my feet for 45 mins - but you can't trick me into holding my breath for such a time.
I hope that when Will sees this post that he will take the only course of action open to him. I will leave you to ponder on that.
(ps - you do not deny that this thread was an attack on Will then?) :shock:
Paul
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Sex God
Quote by Kat writing as willxx69I feel I ought to point out that although this appeared on my post it was NOT written by me. I have travelled up here (those glorious hills to the left of the A5 just after you pass Shrewsbury are starting to look like a coming home sign - sorry Arti I bet I have got you all misty eyed now!) only to find that I have been traduced!
Sappho darling, would you oblige by sharing body warmth with Sarge when he comes in. He may be a bit chilly to the touch, he has been out there all night, but I am sure you can think of something to warm him up.
Having just pointed out to Sappho that this 'quote' was nothing to do with me, she is now rolling around on the floor, clutching her sides exclaiming "You mean I invited Sarge into my bed on Kat's recommendation and not yours?" I don't know what is so bloody funny!!!!!
I am beginning to agree with Arti and Fun365. This was all an elaborate ruse to get at me!!
Sarge - step up and face me like a man you quivering pile of jelly (and it's not even strawberry flavour!). Well, let's see what you're made of then. FRED!! ARTI!! your duties as seconds are required again!
AS FOR KAT!!!! Overwriting my posts, pasting them under your own name and claiming them as yours and then encouraging Sappho to entice the Sarge into her bed. Making her think it was her duty. AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FRIEND! Duelling is too good for you, you unprincipled low life.
Kit - give him a VERY hard slap and then remove all conjugal rights for at least a month (don't worry darling we will all rally round to make sure you don't go without yourself! :twisted: )
SAPPHO!!My glass needs topping up! Know your place woman!!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! That's better! :twisted:
Fred, Fred get down here now we have a crisis!!
Sarge has gone missing and Arti has eloped with Dolly :shock: The wenches are scheming I cant't do this on my own
HELP!!!
MrsFC is being extra nice she's even offered to wash up :shock: :shock:
I fear all is lost! Kat where are you? even he has been got at!!!! :bounce: :confused:
Sarge has gone missing and Arti has eloped with Dolly :shock: The wenches are scheming I cant't do this on my own
HELP!!!MrsFC is being extra nice she's even offered to wash up :shock: :shock:
I fear all is lost! Kat where are you? even he has been got at!!!! :bounce: :confused:
OMG !!!!! I've just checked and you have all done it again, only this time it's even worse!!!!
I suppose you all think you're funny don't you???? Well that's it.
Mark!!! I want my money back!!!!I didn't take the SH Oath for this to keep happening to me!!!
Fred are you still up there?? Come on down man and come to the Dog and Duck for A.T.s and I'll tell you all about it.
I suppose you all think you're funny don't you???? Well that's it.
Mark!!! I want my money back!!!!I didn't take the SH Oath for this to keep happening to me!!!
Fred are you still up there?? Come on down man and come to the Dog and Duck for A.T.s and I'll tell you all about it.
