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Resonance
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 53
Bisexual Female, 53
0 miles · Merseyside
Forum
Sex God
Quote by mrs-bmw
Dear Swinging Santa
I was going to ask you for a sexed up leather clad biker that can have me screaming for mercy after the repeated fucking but i had one for my birthday, so this plea is for Brucie.
Could you please send him a damn fine large piece of womanhood to give him the fucking of his life and to stop him bleating on about how you have to be "fit as fuck" to be sexy.
Thank you Santa, I will be most grateful in the most greatefulliest way
Love Sandy
p.s. could i please have a leather basque and a picnic table, I won`t explain the reasons why :wink:
Hola Mrs BMW!
Oddly enough I've just finished writing a letter to your friend, Mrs Volvo-S50-Estate. She's Swedish and very odd. She wants me to whip her with birch twigs after a sauna before rubbing snow into the welt marks. Makes a change from Barbie and Scalextric, but it's a bugger to explain away to Mrs Claus.
I'm glad you liked the sexed up leather clad biker. Whenever I've delivered a "Kenty Special", the women have always had a big smile on their face afterwards. Either that or admitted into therapy for attempting to stuff the Daily Mail up his bottom. But them's the chances you take.
As for sending your friend a "damn fine large piece of womanhood" I've wracked by brains for some time, but I must admit, I've drawn a blank. I can only suggest "a big, floppy tit" may be somehow appropriate for him but I believe they traditionally come in pairs. But all that depends very much on whether he's been a good boy or not. If not, I'll just send him to Nashville again to listen to country Music, that is enough punishment for any mere mortal.
I'm afraid I sent the last leather basque/picnic table combo out to Vivienne Westwood for her latest collection entitled "Picnic at Banging Rock". Could I just send you a thong/cheese wire combo instead and I'll throw in a camera or half a pound of fetid Wensleydale?
May yuletide glee be joyous in your out-gushings.
Santa
xxx
Sex God
Quote by Lassy09
Dear Swinging Santa
Please this year when you cum and empty your Sack could you remove your boots and dont leave a mess for me to clean otherwise I will have to leave a mess on your sack
also when you cum could you please bring me Lucas from Spooks and I promise to look after him lots.
In return......I promise to play with my nipples and clit at least once a day so when you are checking to see if we are naughty or nice you will see that Im nice and naughty xxx
Dear Lassy,
I don't know who Lucas from Spooks is, but I've got an elf working on it. I was a little confused originally and had started to stick a bow on Matt Lucas, only David Walliams got a little jealous because he felt neglected. As with any gifts, there is a duty of care to attend to for Lucas including.
1. Do not give him Spirits.
2. Don't let him watch "Most Haunted" as it will make him throw things about your room and go "Mary Loves Dick!" a lot.
3. Scooby Doo is ok, but don't try to take his mask off. He really IS Lucas and not Old Man Withers from the Amusement Park.
Regarding last years incident, I was in such a hurry to unload that I am afraid I had to keep my boots on. Just be thankful I got it open in time. If I hadn't the sack could have burst all over your room and you'd have been wiping the contents from your hair and curtains for months on end.
Incidentally, how are little Nipples and Clit doing? Odd names for Goldfish but there you go.
May Your festive log be fulsome!
Santa
xxx
Sex God
Quote by marriednlooking
Back to the subject then guys
Ive been to M&S to get measured and they're rubbish IMO. Sold me a load of rubbish. Suppose it depends how well trained the person with the tape measure is.
Also went to a local independent shop and they turned out to be as bad. Overpriced n under trained at measuring jugs!
Easier to measure yourself ladies, or get your man to do it for ya! x
I think this is a good point, and not just because I'm a filthy minded-pervert with a breast fixation.
Fed up recently of Mrs R buying bra's that were "uncomfortable" or didn't fit right. I looked up in the mightiest, intellectual tome I could find on the subject, the back of a catalogue, on how to accurately measure a ladies chesty portions.
Armed with a tape measure and joyous grin, I set about the task of measuring Mrs R. Noted the results down, translated them into bra-language and came up with a number that Mrs R laughed at and said I was just mildly perverted and eternally optimistic.
Undeterred I bought her 2 bra's in that size, she has seldom taken off since as they are so much more comfortable. Sadly she no longer gets the 4 boob look when your tits try to wrestle with an ill fitting bra and escape over the top, but I can cope with that if she's more comfortable.
Sex God
Quote by fluff_n_stuff
<<<sings>>> "It'll be lonely this Christmas..."
Oh gowan then I will leave it up (don't tell no one tho')
Ssshhhh I told Mr Stuff, and now all he wants for Xmas is to get lost in *ahem* the subject of Tan's video
He's been quite good I spose. Would give me a bit of a break for 5 minutes too!
While he's busy making Tan feel sorry for me, I could give Santa a jolly good seeing to. It is Christmas after all.
Love Fluff xx
Tell him to look for me, I've been wandering around for ages and I keep mistaking her nips for Rudolph's nose...
Sex God
Dear Kaz,
Viscous rumours eh? They are the worst, they just stick and stick around for ages and often leave a scummy residue. I feel for you I really do. A lot. Usually when looking at your photographs...
As for the nekkid gangbang at the station, at least we now know why the Virgin trains are always so late.
I'm afraid single bi-females are in short supply at the moment, many of the good ones have been getting all spliced up together and whatnot. It's so bad, I'm thinking of pretending I've a wife just so women are interested in me. But I have an idea...
I do have plenty of males available into all of those things and more. They come in a range of sizes and abilities ranging from the entirely cretinous specialist "Jeremy Kyle" range, up to the witty, erudite deluxe "Kenty" doll which not only gives you sexual satisfaction in every sense of the word, but can also fix any problem, anywhere in the world thanks to his wonderfully 'simple-logic'(tm) brain cell (which is run from a single wrist-watch battery).
Care of your Kenty is very simple. Feed him, let him play on his motorbike and breasts at least three times a day. Just don't let him read the Sun, Daily Mail or listen to Gaunty on the radio. If he does he becomes very excitable and does become liable to self-abuse in public and that is not an agreeable sight for refined company.
If you aren't tempted by that special offer, I'll throw another man in free. He say's his "chimney's blocked" but I'm not convinced. I've got his address here and I believe his flaps are open ready for me to enter. I'll leave his number in your stocking.
Just remember to take it off this year. ;-)
Seasonal felicitations!
Santa
xxx
Viscous rumours eh? They are the worst, they just stick and stick around for ages and often leave a scummy residue. I feel for you I really do. A lot. Usually when looking at your photographs...
As for the nekkid gangbang at the station, at least we now know why the Virgin trains are always so late.
I'm afraid single bi-females are in short supply at the moment, many of the good ones have been getting all spliced up together and whatnot. It's so bad, I'm thinking of pretending I've a wife just so women are interested in me. But I have an idea...
I do have plenty of males available into all of those things and more. They come in a range of sizes and abilities ranging from the entirely cretinous specialist "Jeremy Kyle" range, up to the witty, erudite deluxe "Kenty" doll which not only gives you sexual satisfaction in every sense of the word, but can also fix any problem, anywhere in the world thanks to his wonderfully 'simple-logic'(tm) brain cell (which is run from a single wrist-watch battery).
Care of your Kenty is very simple. Feed him, let him play on his motorbike and breasts at least three times a day. Just don't let him read the Sun, Daily Mail or listen to Gaunty on the radio. If he does he becomes very excitable and does become liable to self-abuse in public and that is not an agreeable sight for refined company.
If you aren't tempted by that special offer, I'll throw another man in free. He say's his "chimney's blocked" but I'm not convinced. I've got his address here and I believe his flaps are open ready for me to enter. I'll leave his number in your stocking.
Just remember to take it off this year. ;-)
Seasonal felicitations!
Santa
xxx
Sex God
Quote by Naughty Wigan Couple
Home made pea and ham soup, or pasta bake with lots and lots of veggies mixed in (topped with tomato and cheese).
You should do a Wigan Munch and Lunch. Just make sure the watersports enthusiasts don't get all excited about the pea and ham soup. Spelling may not be their strong point.
Sex God
Quote by thevillians
Dear santa
All i want of christmas is a large house with say 5 bedrooms and a large cellar/attic space,so that the space can be converted into a soundproof play room ..
And not forgetting some saughty surprises for my lovely partner..
Dear Villains,
So do I, Life's a bitch sometimes isn't it? At least you're getting laid regularly... Look at me? I'm hardly a catch. I look like an overweight tramp with Gok Wan's dress sense, so I'm hardly likely to pull. I tried shaving the beard off once, but I just looked like Little Jimmy Osmond after a bad day, so I let it grow back.
Anyway, I'm leaving it to greater forces than I. Buy a lottery ticket this weekend and it may just win... I'm saying no more than that. The Pixies and Elves are on it for you.
But if it does win, we go halves and I get to roger Mrs V? Deal?
Season's Greetings
Santa
Sex God
Quote by foxylady2209
Clarinet - with Nola at the back.
Unless you need someone to play Chopsticks:D:D:D:D:D
Tsk!
Chopsticks is forbidden! Unless you can do the Les Dawson version intentionally.
As for songs, how about...
"Blowin in the wind?" Nob Dylan
"Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye (not that there's anything wrong with that)
"Get it on, Bang a Mom, Get it on" by T-Rextion
"Cum on and all over my face... Hey you! we're having a gang bang..." Four (large) tops.
Sex God
Quote by BrightonGeezer
Dear Santa,
I know it has been a while since as a child and I'm sorry for the amount of times I've laughed at that Kevin Bloody Wilson record. Btw I never did get me ******* bike!
All that aside and considering how guilty you must feel about letting me down in the past, I wondered if you could give this very last letter you will be receiving from me the utmost priority.
I am seriously going short of sexual encounters, and as a self confessed sex maniac cone dirty old man this is becoming a real problem. Please deliver to me a female, over 30, either fat tubby or curvaceous, a complete nymphomaniac who hopefully (though not compulsorily) likes anal sex.
I don't care if this woman is single married or divorced, as long as she can either accommodate or play outdoors, and doesn't want anything more than a casual relationship at best. If she is part of a couple and likes mmf's then that would be a bonus. There are also a number of things I haven't had the privilege of trying yet, if you could fit them in my stocking I'll leave you a good drink on Christmas Eve.
Btw I had my fireplace bricked up so don't come down my chimney, I'll leave my French doors open.
Many many thanks in advance, Brighton Geezer.
Dear Brighton Geezer,
Such a heart-rending tale of sadness would move the stoniest of hearts to melt and form tears from the icy remnants of that once cold, bitter, lonely stone.
I'm afraid I had to use your bike for a getaway one time which is why you didn't get it. I was delivering some presents when this nobby gang of football fans jumped me and started calling me a "beardy wanker" and " " because I make kids smile and ask them to sit on my knee. Rudolph had already scarpered when the bloody clampers turned up and tried to kneecap him and Blitzen so I had no choice, I leapt upon your Chopper and rode it furiously.
Anyway, sorry about that. To make it up to you I'll be dropping Mrs Santa around for an evening or two. She's rather like myself, on the wrong side of plump, but don't hold that against her. She's relatively well house trained and because 364 days of the year I am normally busy in my private office, she's gagging for it most of the time.
I am however assuming that your phrase..."Btw I had my fireplace bricked up so don't come down my chimney, I'll leave my French doors open." is not a euphemism but actual directions on how to enter your house?
We shall see. I'll bring the vaseline just incase.
Have a good Christmas sir and may festive joy bring you plenty of spuffing after your stuffing.
Santa
(manly handshake, with a slight tremble of uncertain anticipation)
Sex God
Quote by Witchy
Dear Santa,
a little Jingle to make me tingle
Grant my wish, and we can mingle :rascal:
Dear Witchy,
I ain't got a broomstick, I've only got a blower,
Can I attack your privets with my sausage shaped mower?
But one thing I must ask, remember I'm not fussy,
Is your cat black or do you have a shaven pussy?
So if you're angry, please don't cast a spell,
Can't you see that I'm mentally unwell.
I was genuinely touched by the song in your link. It evoked cherubic youths playing in the snow, choristers singing a yuletide ode over crisp white snow, dazzled in the glittering brightness of a million and one fairylights... You, I think are genuinely touched. I'm not sure if it is by genius or madness, but whatever it is, I do like it rather a great deal...
Have a great Christmas
Love Santa Claws.
(Meeow!)
Sex God
Quote by noladreams
Dear Santa,
Please can I have some sexy slutty underwear and a pair of Rupert Sanderson heels.
Then to my chamber could you please deliver the delicious Cameron
with a side order of Michael
After that, I'd like the entire ensemble cast of the Barksdale and Stanfield crews from The Wire... oh and a few select Baltimore PD. Omar could bring up the rear, literally.
And a shit hot digital video camera to record the filth which would ensue!
Cheers Santa, you're a doll!
Nola x
p.s. If you make good with all of that, then once recovered I'd be willing to succumb to your every whim... :rascal:
Dear Nola,
1. Slutty Underwear? This is becoming a tad repetetive. I've already delivered the entire stock of Ann Summers 1982-2008 over the past few years. That's a lot of stuff, you should see the look the other reindeers gave Rudolph when he had to get dressed up in the crotchless panties and glow in the dark nipple tassles because we didn't have enough room on the sled for everything you wanted. It wasn't just Rudolph's nose that was red that night. I can't put the poor animal through that again and I am not sticking it on under my big red costume. Not again.
2. Rupert Sanderson heels. I'm afraid I've spoken with Rupert and he's quite attached to his heels. The best I can do is a Rupert Bear annual I'm afraid and a pair of wellies.
3. Various actors from American TV shows... Yes Yes Yes... Are you sure they won't mind coming around again? But I don't have to wrap them up again do I? While Mrs Christmas enjoys wrapping the bows around their bits, they don't have wriggle when I try and staple the gift tag on them.
4. Digital Video Camera. No, you've just got a new phone. It will take you six months yo work out how to use that properly first. If I give you a new video on top of that too, you will get all confused and end up doing something extremely naughty and probably illegal in 36 counties of your great country. But if you do, send me the video.
5. My every whim.
Jelly and Ice Cream please. No spoons.
Have a Very Mucky Christmas my dear, I would say you've been a good girl...but who am I kidding?
Lots of Love
Santa
xxx
Sex God
Faxed from the North Pole
<<<<Dear Santa,
Please can I have a fuck before the new year. A hard fast lust filled fuck and some nice cunnilingus would be good to.
I could really do with one as its been nearly 2 month and I fear that cobwebs may be rife.
If I get a fuck then I will make a new video especially for Santa (and Rez).
Name Withheld for privacy reasons x (Ed : Is this Ok Tankinky?)
PS Rudolph cant have any carrots this year because they will be other wise engaged, I will leave him some sweetcorn instead because that is rather rough >>>
Dear anonymous person who isn't Tankinky at all no matter what you think,
I'd happily drop off some cunnilingus, but it's such a mouthful. Besides the last time I went down on a lady, it was the Titanic and it didn't end up particularly well for either of us.
I'll deliver a tickling stick for the cobwebs and I'll bring one of my not-so-little elves with me for the "hard,fast lust fulled fick". He's got a devilish grin on his face and has been wielding his weapon with wanton abandon since I told him. I've had to take him off the production line because he was so excited he was doing unspeakable things with Barbie that made even Action Man blush.
Please ignore Rez Elf's comments about your video and my excessive consumption of it. I have merely watched it 20,000 times and have it playing on a loop on my security cams while I'm in the office. It's been wonderfully enjoyable to watch it, but I've made a right mess of my beard. I didn't know whether to wash it or chisel it out.
Anyway, I'm sending you something else, a big fat wodge of good luck next year. You won't see it, but it'll be there anyway.
Seasons Greetings.
Santa
xxx
(PS, Withdrawal of the video will result in a private prosecution for unspeakable cruelty to a fictional figure (Rez) and I'll smack your arse too with my Reindeer whupper!)
(PPS. For any Animal lovers, my Reindeer whupper is just used figuratively. No animals were harmed in the making of this post)
<<<<Dear Santa,
Please can I have a fuck before the new year. A hard fast lust filled fuck and some nice cunnilingus would be good to.
I could really do with one as its been nearly 2 month and I fear that cobwebs may be rife.
If I get a fuck then I will make a new video especially for Santa (and Rez).
Name Withheld for privacy reasons x (Ed : Is this Ok Tankinky?)
PS Rudolph cant have any carrots this year because they will be other wise engaged, I will leave him some sweetcorn instead because that is rather rough >>>
Dear anonymous person who isn't Tankinky at all no matter what you think,
I'd happily drop off some cunnilingus, but it's such a mouthful. Besides the last time I went down on a lady, it was the Titanic and it didn't end up particularly well for either of us.
I'll deliver a tickling stick for the cobwebs and I'll bring one of my not-so-little elves with me for the "hard,fast lust fulled fick". He's got a devilish grin on his face and has been wielding his weapon with wanton abandon since I told him. I've had to take him off the production line because he was so excited he was doing unspeakable things with Barbie that made even Action Man blush.
Please ignore Rez Elf's comments about your video and my excessive consumption of it. I have merely watched it 20,000 times and have it playing on a loop on my security cams while I'm in the office. It's been wonderfully enjoyable to watch it, but I've made a right mess of my beard. I didn't know whether to wash it or chisel it out.
Anyway, I'm sending you something else, a big fat wodge of good luck next year. You won't see it, but it'll be there anyway.
Seasons Greetings.
Santa
xxx
(PS, Withdrawal of the video will result in a private prosecution for unspeakable cruelty to a fictional figure (Rez) and I'll smack your arse too with my Reindeer whupper!)
(PPS. For any Animal lovers, my Reindeer whupper is just used figuratively. No animals were harmed in the making of this post)
Sex God
Dear Fluffy,
Thankyou for the letter I received today,
Thai beads, for your information, are so passe,
Beckham's gone, his groin has worn out,
Sucked to death by his missus trout pout.
Glass Dildo, I can do, but be careful, they splinter,
And they can freeze up your ovaries during the winter
A clitoral vibe in a shade of blue,
Is something that I can get for you.
But remember be green, use it wisely and well,
Don't use up all the batteries produced by Duracell
A man who is hot I heard when you spoke,
And thought, A role to be filled only by Bloke,
A man of fine letters, great taste and erotic art,
(Just be careful when rimming, not to squeak out a fart)
For Bloke's a great chap and kind I propose,
But he doesn't like lady-pops wafted straight up his nose.
I'd wax your bikini line but I fear that if I do,
After I'd finished we'd be knee-deep in Reindeer poo.
But I'll leave you some cream, or some scissors to trim,
Or a Black and Decker 450 so you can give them a strim.
You've been a good girl this year but just one thing,
You can certainly f*ck, but you can't fecking sing...
Love Santa
xxx
Thankyou for the letter I received today,
Thai beads, for your information, are so passe,
Beckham's gone, his groin has worn out,
Sucked to death by his missus trout pout.
Glass Dildo, I can do, but be careful, they splinter,
And they can freeze up your ovaries during the winter
A clitoral vibe in a shade of blue,
Is something that I can get for you.
But remember be green, use it wisely and well,
Don't use up all the batteries produced by Duracell
A man who is hot I heard when you spoke,
And thought, A role to be filled only by Bloke,
A man of fine letters, great taste and erotic art,
(Just be careful when rimming, not to squeak out a fart)
For Bloke's a great chap and kind I propose,
But he doesn't like lady-pops wafted straight up his nose.
I'd wax your bikini line but I fear that if I do,
After I'd finished we'd be knee-deep in Reindeer poo.
But I'll leave you some cream, or some scissors to trim,
Or a Black and Decker 450 so you can give them a strim.
You've been a good girl this year but just one thing,
You can certainly f*ck, but you can't fecking sing...
Love Santa
xxx
Sex God
As you know folks, Santa's a busy man this time of the year. Not only is he busy with his elves, emptying his sack to get it ready for a whopping new load, but also Mrs Christmas is busying herself in the pantry with all kinds of electrical gadgets that whizz, buzz and generally make a lot of noise and leave her wanting more (or at least a new Argos catalogue).
(Yes this is a bit traditionally sexist, but since that is currently en-vogue at the moment and political correctness hasn't extended to the North Pole yet, and I should know because I saw Clarkson there one time taking a dump whilst hanging off the back of a 4x4.)
Anyway, the upshot of this is, is that while Santa is busying himself and his workforce satisfying the wide-eyed, naivety of children. He doesn't really have too much time to devote to satisfying the needs of a collection of filth-mongerers, whores, perverts, deviants and feeble-minded misanthropes (thanks Staggers!).
Therefore he has asked me to collect any of your swinging/sexual-related Santa's wishlists here and he will in time, get round to answering them.
However, he does warn me that any attempts to pervert the course of this friendly announcement by asking if it would be alright for Rudolph to nibble playfully on your carrot while Santa empties his sack all over the bedroom, will be met with a spanked bottom and only a bag of sticks and coal on Christmas morning. (Which given the current cost of electricity and gas, will soon be worth more than the equivalent cost of platinum).
Letters should take the form,
"Dear Santa,
Please can I have (then proclaim your utterly, filthy ridden list of lust).
A brief explanation of why you require these things may be useful. These can be sexual, practical, medical, mental or simply because you are strange and have always had a fetish for performing deviant sexual acts with a bag of frozen runner beans and a 1974 Austin Allegro Haynes manual.
This should be followed by what Santa would receive in lieu of being able to procure the aforementioned items for you (there's no such thing as a free meal in Swinging Santa World). Then say goodbye in the traditional way.
If you are good boys and girls Santa will get back to you with an answer on here, sometimes within minutes, other times hours, and other times he'll just ignore you completely because he's wanking himself senseless over Tan's video again.
Anyway, over to you and remember, season's greetings. (Tips are accepted)
Santa's little Helper.
Rez
(Yes this is a bit traditionally sexist, but since that is currently en-vogue at the moment and political correctness hasn't extended to the North Pole yet, and I should know because I saw Clarkson there one time taking a dump whilst hanging off the back of a 4x4.)
Anyway, the upshot of this is, is that while Santa is busying himself and his workforce satisfying the wide-eyed, naivety of children. He doesn't really have too much time to devote to satisfying the needs of a collection of filth-mongerers, whores, perverts, deviants and feeble-minded misanthropes (thanks Staggers!).
Therefore he has asked me to collect any of your swinging/sexual-related Santa's wishlists here and he will in time, get round to answering them.
However, he does warn me that any attempts to pervert the course of this friendly announcement by asking if it would be alright for Rudolph to nibble playfully on your carrot while Santa empties his sack all over the bedroom, will be met with a spanked bottom and only a bag of sticks and coal on Christmas morning. (Which given the current cost of electricity and gas, will soon be worth more than the equivalent cost of platinum).
Letters should take the form,
"Dear Santa,
Please can I have (then proclaim your utterly, filthy ridden list of lust).
A brief explanation of why you require these things may be useful. These can be sexual, practical, medical, mental or simply because you are strange and have always had a fetish for performing deviant sexual acts with a bag of frozen runner beans and a 1974 Austin Allegro Haynes manual.
This should be followed by what Santa would receive in lieu of being able to procure the aforementioned items for you (there's no such thing as a free meal in Swinging Santa World). Then say goodbye in the traditional way.
If you are good boys and girls Santa will get back to you with an answer on here, sometimes within minutes, other times hours, and other times he'll just ignore you completely because he's wanking himself senseless over Tan's video again.
Anyway, over to you and remember, season's greetings. (Tips are accepted)
Santa's little Helper.
Rez
Sex God
Quote by Kaznkev
there was a young girl called fluff
who said Ive had enough!
The teas in the dog,the kids are in bed
Im going to tie res up and bounce on his head
But young Rez apprehended Mrs Fluff,
And said that he'd had quite enough,
He took out his spanker,
The dirty old wanker,
And stuffed spuff inside gruff Fluff's muff.
