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burose
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 65
Forum
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer......
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He opens his mouth and says: "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses.."
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer......
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He opens his mouth and says: "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses.."
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Quote by SpiritedAway
Yep, all those guys should have something on their helmets
Seriously though, I cam off my bike a couple of weeks ago (for the first time in my motorcycling career) and it was the weirdest thing, as I slid along the ground all that went through was 'I hope I don't damage anything vital, like my neck'.
I had that luxury cos I had armoured leathers on, kevlar and neoprene are wonderful things
SA
XXX
you should ride a bike like mine................................................i wish
Quote by cu3b4ll
It's come round again - Sunday night. Soon I'll have to go to sleep and then it'll be Monday again and off to work we go! Why is it they didn't make the weekend longer than the week?
Does anyone else remember Raymond Baxter telling us all years ago on Tommorrows World - "In twenty years computers will be so advanced that we'll never have to work again".
I think he should be made to pay for that blatant lie. Computers are far more advanced than they ever predicted back then, but now we have millions of extra people in the IT industry trying to keep them going! What a jip!
Quote by shireen-steve
that`s it.......the fekin things just gone again can i move in with you for the night.....
Come on over sweetie.... We can wear evil masks ourselves and when the little fluckers hover by the gate looking all confused we can jump out at them and yell "Oooohhhh dinner!!"
Shireen
xxx
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Quote by shireen-steve
We have the simple solution here.... Our front door is on the side of the house but.... There is a 6ft fence around the perimeter of the property.... Which means that they cannot get to the front door..... :giggle:
It confuses the hell out of them.....
Oh and before you ask we have a bell on the front of the house... Admittedly it doesn't work... But a bell none the less.... :rotflmao:
Shireen
xxx
that`s it.......the fekin things just gone again can i move in with you for the night.....
Quote by harry0
Hello Burose,
Inattention from Husband 1 is easily rectified by simply installing Satisfactory Lover version 9.0. Only available upon application to the below named.
I personally install this, (preferably in absence of Husband 1.) It is available free of charge and comes complete with several free periferal programmes, such as Sensuous Massage ver., 8.0, Cunning Linguist ver. 5.4. Satisfaction 32.4 and After Sex, calm down preceedures Ver. 4.5.
All you have to do is PM me for the installation, this has to be re-booted several times a month. New applicants for this programme get continuous free maintenence for the first five years.
Harry0
mmmmmmmmmm big boy
don`t let the name confuse you.
Subject: Instructions on installing Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I
Thought You Loved " and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't
forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7..0, or Beer
6.1. Now......Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I
Thought You Loved " and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't
forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7..0, or Beer
6.1. Now......Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
