A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
>
> He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
>
> After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
>want to hear a blonde joke?"
>
> The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
>voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
>it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five
>things:
>
>
> > 1 The bartender is a blonde girl.
>
> 2 The bouncer is a blonde girl.
>
> 3 I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt
>in karate.
>
> 4 The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
>professional weightlifter.
> > 5 The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
>wrestler.
>
> Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that
>joke?"
>
> The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
>"Nah. Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times
......................... ......................... ......................... ..................
>>A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she
> >>could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have
>
> >>a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
> >>
> >>"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she
>
> >>said.
> >>
> >>So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her
> >>husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the
> >>bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see
> >>that the lass didn't have any public hair and told her husband when he
> >>came home.
> >>
> >>He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
> >>curtains so that you can see for yourself."
> >>
> >>The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
> >>asked: "Do you shave?"
> >>
> >>"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do
> >>you have hairs?"
> >>
> >>"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy mooff.
> >>
> >>When the husband got back in, she asked: "Did you see?"
> >>
> >>"Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
> >>
> >>"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
> >>
> >>"I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn't!"
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newcastledave
2 weeks ago
Straight Male, 60
0 miles · Tyne and Wear
Forum
A young man called Peter invited his mother for
dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flat mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates".
About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love Peter"
Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.
Love Mum"
Lesson of the day: don't ever lie to your mother (she always finds out!)
dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flat mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates".
About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love Peter"
Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.
Love Mum"
Lesson of the day: don't ever lie to your mother (she always finds out!)
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.
" The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.
"The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...
Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.
" The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.
"The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...
Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why ...
in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he
will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my village local, the Red Lion, the
barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, and another, and in fact all the drinks you like.
Then when you've had enough drinks
they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims.
But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the
Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me me-self, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen
to me sister a few times."
fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why ...
in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he
will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my village local, the Red Lion, the
barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, and another, and in fact all the drinks you like.
Then when you've had enough drinks
they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims.
But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the
Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me me-self, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen
to me sister a few times."
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing
beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing
beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
(Need to imagine the accents)
2 Irish guys decide to emigrate to Oz.....
They are stopped while going through immigration and Paddy is interviewed first.
'So Mr Paddy, what are your reasons for visiting Australia?'
'Oi wanna em-igrate here and get a job' .... Paddy mumbles ....
'Oh yes ..... and what is your profession?' the smug civil servant says ...... smuggly ....
'Oi'm a poilit', Paddy responds ....
Surprised, the now brown tonguing official welcomes his advanced skills into the country saying, 'we need qualified professionals like you ...'
Next is Murphy ...... 'So Mr Murphy, what are your reasons for visiting Australia?'
Murphy replies, 'Oi wanna emi-grate here and get a job'
Again, the response is questioning ..... 'and what is your profession Mr Murphy?'
'Oi'm a peat digger ....'
The over paid civil servant laughs and says, 'a peat digger in Australia .... what do we need one of them for?'
Murphy angrily says, 'well you let me mate in!', pointing at Paddy.
'He's a pilot!' Bruce shouts ...
and Murphy says .....
'Well if I don't dig it .... he can't pile it!!!!!'
(ok, i'm ready....................................lock me)
2 Irish guys decide to emigrate to Oz.....
They are stopped while going through immigration and Paddy is interviewed first.
'So Mr Paddy, what are your reasons for visiting Australia?'
'Oi wanna em-igrate here and get a job' .... Paddy mumbles ....
'Oh yes ..... and what is your profession?' the smug civil servant says ...... smuggly ....
'Oi'm a poilit', Paddy responds ....
Surprised, the now brown tonguing official welcomes his advanced skills into the country saying, 'we need qualified professionals like you ...'
Next is Murphy ...... 'So Mr Murphy, what are your reasons for visiting Australia?'
Murphy replies, 'Oi wanna emi-grate here and get a job'
Again, the response is questioning ..... 'and what is your profession Mr Murphy?'
'Oi'm a peat digger ....'
The over paid civil servant laughs and says, 'a peat digger in Australia .... what do we need one of them for?'
Murphy angrily says, 'well you let me mate in!', pointing at Paddy.
'He's a pilot!' Bruce shouts ...
and Murphy says .....
'Well if I don't dig it .... he can't pile it!!!!!'
(ok, i'm ready....................................lock me)
The telephone rings...
..the lady of the house answers, "Yes? "
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad news or terrible news."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. But we can't tell which one is your husbands results.
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't let him fuck you."
..the lady of the house answers, "Yes? "
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad news or terrible news."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. But we can't tell which one is your husbands results.
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't let him fuck you."
A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when
his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it
and
knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My
car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why,right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself
of
our world-famous hospitality." The traveller duly entered the humble
but
cosy residence.
"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen,and in
response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a
meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of
Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising
meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland
hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the
cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our
world-famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about
seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor
and
was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the
Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with
rage.
He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to
his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he
roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the
cold floor."
his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it
and
knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My
car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why,right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself
of
our world-famous hospitality." The traveller duly entered the humble
but
cosy residence.
"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen,and in
response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a
meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of
Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising
meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland
hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the
cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our
world-famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about
seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor
and
was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the
Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with
rage.
He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to
his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he
roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the
cold floor."
:roll: :roll:There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Bloke goes in shop and asks for Irish Sausages".
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?
Would ya, aye ? Would ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then,why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Assistant replies, "Because you're at B&Q."
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?
Would ya, aye ? Would ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then,why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Assistant replies, "Because you're at B&Q."
An elderly man and an elderly woman meet up at an old folk’s home. They get very friendly, but being quite frail their sex life simply consists of the old man getting his tackle out and the woman holding it for a while. Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man stops coming to her room. She looks all round the home and finds him with another woman. “What’s she got that I haven’t ?â€, she demands. ‘â€Parkinson’s†he replies.
Two old guys suffering from Alzheimer's are sitting on a bench when an Ice Cream van comes down the street.
“Do you want one†asks the first guy.
â€Yes, I'll have a cone but write it down or otherwise you will forget†says the second.
â€No I won't†says the first.
â€Look I want a cone with a flake and I know you will forget so write it down†says the second.
â€I won't forget†says the first guy getting slightly irritated.
â€OK then look I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce, now write it down or you will forget†says the second.
The first guy is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget.
The second guy says irritably, “I want a cone, a flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that now WRITE IT
The first guy now really annoyed walks off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie.
The second guy looks at him and says "Where's me bloody chips ?"
Two old guys suffering from Alzheimer's are sitting on a bench when an Ice Cream van comes down the street.
“Do you want one†asks the first guy.
â€Yes, I'll have a cone but write it down or otherwise you will forget†says the second.
â€No I won't†says the first.
â€Look I want a cone with a flake and I know you will forget so write it down†says the second.
â€I won't forget†says the first guy getting slightly irritated.
â€OK then look I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce, now write it down or you will forget†says the second.
The first guy is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget.
The second guy says irritably, “I want a cone, a flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that now WRITE IT
The first guy now really annoyed walks off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie.
The second guy looks at him and says "Where's me bloody chips ?"
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
_____________________________________________________________
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
_____________________________________________________________
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the Human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in All the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They Chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks,
and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay Envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' Home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. W hen they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the Men building a big house." My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on The house again this week, as well?"
The little girl thought for a moment and said,
"I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in All the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They Chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks,
and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay Envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' Home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. W hen they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the Men building a big house." My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on The house again this week, as well?"
The little girl thought for a moment and said,
"I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks.
The M62 and the M1 were having a quiet pint in their local. Suddenly, in walks a short, skinny red piece of tarmac.
The red road goes up to the M62 and says "you're a puff, i've had your sister and she was shite".
The M62 was furious at this, and went over the barman and said "ere, that little red piece of road has just came over and gave me shit - i'm gonna kick his head in". "i wouldn't if i was you" replied the barman "he might not look much, but he's a fucking cyclepath".
A set of jump leads and bra walk into a bar and order two pints of mild. the barman said "i'm not serving you - you look like you're gonna start something and your off your tits".
ops:
The red road goes up to the M62 and says "you're a puff, i've had your sister and she was shite".
The M62 was furious at this, and went over the barman and said "ere, that little red piece of road has just came over and gave me shit - i'm gonna kick his head in". "i wouldn't if i was you" replied the barman "he might not look much, but he's a fucking cyclepath".
A set of jump leads and bra walk into a bar and order two pints of mild. the barman said "i'm not serving you - you look like you're gonna start something and your off your tits".
ops: A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
