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newcastledave
3 weeks ago
Straight Male, 60
0 miles · Tyne and Wear
Forum
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
>>honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
>>But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your
>>first request?"
>>
>>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
>>
>>The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
>>whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
>>
>>Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
>>his back.
>>
>>As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
>>and spends the night.
>>
>>The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
>>"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in
>>two days. What is your second request?"
>>
>>The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
>>
>>Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
>>before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
>>horizon.
>>
>>Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
>>Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more
>>attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
>>spends the night.
>>
>>The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
>>indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What
>>is your last request?"
>>
>>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The
>>Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
>>Ranger's tent.
>>
>>Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
>>him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, dickhead, for the
>>last time, I said...., Bring Posse!"
>>honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
>>But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your
>>first request?"
>>
>>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
>>
>>The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
>>whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
>>
>>Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
>>his back.
>>
>>As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
>>and spends the night.
>>
>>The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
>>"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in
>>two days. What is your second request?"
>>
>>The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
>>
>>Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
>>before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
>>horizon.
>>
>>Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
>>Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more
>>attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
>>spends the night.
>>
>>The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
>>indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What
>>is your last request?"
>>
>>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The
>>Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
>>Ranger's tent.
>>
>>Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
>>him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, dickhead, for the
>>last time, I said...., Bring Posse!"
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him.
A man walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says to the approaching waiter, 'I want to speak to the arsewipe manager of this f*cking sh*tehole'.
The waiter says that he'll be pleased to introduce the manager to him, but he must tone down his language. The manager is summoned and asks 'Can I help you sir?'
'So, you're the chicken-f*cking sh*t- for-brains in charge of this w*nkpot?' The manager replies 'I am. Can you please tone down your language. This is a high-class establishment'.
'Never mind that b*llocks, where's your f*cking piano?' asks the man. Suddenly the manager catches on. 'Ah! You've come about the pianist's job? Well, step this way, and perhaps you can play something for us as a trial'. The man is happy to oblige, and when he sits at the piano, and the manager asks him if he can play some blues, he turns out the most fantastic, rolling blues piano that the manager has ever heard. 'That's fantastic. I've not heard that one before'.
'No', says the pianist, 'it's one I wrote myself, called I'd Love to F*ck Your Missus on the Sofa but the Springs Keep Catching My Nob'. The manager is bemused but asks if the pianist can play any jazz.
Again, the tune that he turns out is the best jazz piano the manager has ever heard. 'That's brilliant, too. Your own composition again?' 'Yes', replies the pianist, 'that's called Whenever I W*nk on the Washing Machine, My B*llocks Get Trapped in the Soap Drawer'.
The manager is again slightly embarrassed, but asks if the pianist can play a slow ballad. The song he plays is the most beautiful the manager has ever heard. With a tear in his eye, he asks the pianist if that was another of his own songs. 'Yes', he replies, 'called F*cking You Under the Stars with Your R*ngpiece Shining in the Moonlight'.
The manager is convinced that the pianist must have the job but says 'one of the conditions is that you do NOT speak to the public or introduce any of your songs. You're here to play the piano and not to converse with the clientele'.
The pianist accepts, and after a week in the job, he sees one evening the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, sitting at the table closest to the piano, on her own. She is falling out of her dress, stares intently at the pianist and has the butter from her asparagus tips starter oozing slowly down her chin.
After half an hour of this, the pianist can stand this no longer, and he runs to the gents' to relieve himself of his tension. He is just unburdening himself when he hears the manager's voice outside: 'Are you there? You're here to play the piano so come back in and play, or you're fired'.
The pianist has no time to adjust himself, and runs straight back to his piano and carries on playing. The gorgeous woman approaches him a few minutes later and asks 'do you know, your c*ck and b*llocks are hanging out of your trousers and there's cum dripping on your shoes?'
And the pianist replied ........
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'Know it? ..... I f*cking wrote it'.
The waiter says that he'll be pleased to introduce the manager to him, but he must tone down his language. The manager is summoned and asks 'Can I help you sir?'
'So, you're the chicken-f*cking sh*t- for-brains in charge of this w*nkpot?' The manager replies 'I am. Can you please tone down your language. This is a high-class establishment'.
'Never mind that b*llocks, where's your f*cking piano?' asks the man. Suddenly the manager catches on. 'Ah! You've come about the pianist's job? Well, step this way, and perhaps you can play something for us as a trial'. The man is happy to oblige, and when he sits at the piano, and the manager asks him if he can play some blues, he turns out the most fantastic, rolling blues piano that the manager has ever heard. 'That's fantastic. I've not heard that one before'.
'No', says the pianist, 'it's one I wrote myself, called I'd Love to F*ck Your Missus on the Sofa but the Springs Keep Catching My Nob'. The manager is bemused but asks if the pianist can play any jazz.
Again, the tune that he turns out is the best jazz piano the manager has ever heard. 'That's brilliant, too. Your own composition again?' 'Yes', replies the pianist, 'that's called Whenever I W*nk on the Washing Machine, My B*llocks Get Trapped in the Soap Drawer'.
The manager is again slightly embarrassed, but asks if the pianist can play a slow ballad. The song he plays is the most beautiful the manager has ever heard. With a tear in his eye, he asks the pianist if that was another of his own songs. 'Yes', he replies, 'called F*cking You Under the Stars with Your R*ngpiece Shining in the Moonlight'.
The manager is convinced that the pianist must have the job but says 'one of the conditions is that you do NOT speak to the public or introduce any of your songs. You're here to play the piano and not to converse with the clientele'.
The pianist accepts, and after a week in the job, he sees one evening the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, sitting at the table closest to the piano, on her own. She is falling out of her dress, stares intently at the pianist and has the butter from her asparagus tips starter oozing slowly down her chin.
After half an hour of this, the pianist can stand this no longer, and he runs to the gents' to relieve himself of his tension. He is just unburdening himself when he hears the manager's voice outside: 'Are you there? You're here to play the piano so come back in and play, or you're fired'.
The pianist has no time to adjust himself, and runs straight back to his piano and carries on playing. The gorgeous woman approaches him a few minutes later and asks 'do you know, your c*ck and b*llocks are hanging out of your trousers and there's cum dripping on your shoes?'
And the pianist replied ........
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'Know it? ..... I f*cking wrote it'.
