At first I was afraid, I was petrified..
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord I almost died,
But I'd spent oh so many yrs just waiting for a man that long, That I
grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on. .
But there you are,
Another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry, I should
have known that it was bullsh*t, Just a sad pathetic dream, Should have
known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.
Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4, Weren't you a
prat to think I wouldn't catch you out, Don't you know we' re only
joking when we say size doesn't count.
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex, I will survive, I
will survive. . .hey . hey
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your
little weiner standing tall and proud, But to hell with all your ego's
and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin for a
cordless multispeed,
Go on now go, Just make a dash, Last time I saw a prick that small was
watching Gladstone run nude hash, I should have asked for
confirmation,
Should have asked for referees, Then I wouldn't have you waving that
wee
winky thing at me.
Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,
Cos I'll always throw them back,
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours, Is to
stick it with a tooth pick Dip it in tomato sauce.
(Chorus)
Go on now go,
Get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance,
Cos I know it's length is right,
And if I ever see your tiny tockley at my door, You'll be counting up
your inches as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now Go!
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GT
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 71
Bisexual Female, 64
Forum
Warwick I sympathise with your plight my friend, however....... 
If you think for one minute that we are buying this cock and bull story of how you're struggling to sit / lie down, then you're sadly mistaken.
I remember in another room when I posted a similar (and hopefully as plausible) posting, it was only when the other person involved posted the truth about the donkey did I have to accept I told porkies.
If you think for one minute that we are buying this cock and bull story of how you're struggling to sit / lie down, then you're sadly mistaken.
I remember in another room when I posted a similar (and hopefully as plausible) posting, it was only when the other person involved posted the truth about the donkey did I have to accept I told porkies.
Calista my darling........
I thought it was common knowledge regarding your "blog"
The more important thing that worries me greatly is that the "diary" I found hidden in the draw underneath Wibbly's knickers (don't ask what I was doing there)
Hope you two are ok, you've been a bit quiet of late...:
I thought it was common knowledge regarding your "blog"
The more important thing that worries me greatly is that the "diary" I found hidden in the draw underneath Wibbly's knickers (don't ask what I was doing there)
Hope you two are ok, you've been a bit quiet of late...
: Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but hestill keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but hestill keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
As a child first going to skool around 1959, the teecher kept on removing my pen from my left hand and tried to get me righting with my write won. Me - being me, devised a grip with my left hand that the teacher gave up fighting against.
Today whenever people see me writing they say "Don't you hold your pen funny".....
I say, "You think that's funny - you oughta see me wank".
Normally the reply is - "No thanks".
Today whenever people see me writing they say "Don't you hold your pen funny".....
I say, "You think that's funny - you oughta see me wank".
Normally the reply is - "No thanks".
Why is there only one Monopolies and Mergers Commission ??????????
Why is it, that if while cleaning your teeth with an electric toothbrush and looking at your pc monitor - the screen goes all funny ????
Why did women get
(a) the g-spot and
(b) multiple orgasms and
(c) I'm coming back as a woman next time.
Why is it, that if while cleaning your teeth with an electric toothbrush and looking at your pc monitor - the screen goes all funny ????
Why did women get
(a) the g-spot and
(b) multiple orgasms and
(c) I'm coming back as a woman next time.
Quote by Clare_Lincs
She had on her brand new Clarks shoes,along with two great big thwacking bloody blisters,one on each foot.
A thing I taught the daughter years ago regarding new shoes (and she did it last week when she bought a pair) was wear them around the house for a few hours. This will find if there are any areas that rub etc.
Hindsight's a wonderful thing - but I need it now.
Quote by Cableguy
then he turned to me and said 'I wonder what the girls are doing?.....
Me and wibbly pissed oursens at that one - priceless.
The funniest one I can remember from years ago was..... I'd fancied this girl who frequented a club I worked in for ages, problem was, she always had her younger sister (16) with her. Anyway to cut a long story ... one particular Saturday night she suggested I give her and (groan) her sister a lift home and (wait for it) the parents are away all weekend. Well what was I to do ??? Yip - I did.
After coffee she said she was sleepy and dragged me upstairs, after starting to get down to the business the bedroom door opened and little sis came in saying "I'm not tired" so big sis says well come and join us..
All I can say is that was the first and last time I've had 2 sisters / in the same room / and they were AC/DC. After a couple of hours, I crawled to the car and it drove me home (my mind was elsewhere)....
Keep up the excellent quality of posts people - it brightens the day at times.
An agony Aunt of a daily national newspaper recieved this letter...
Dear Marge,
Whenever my husband and I make love, he always without failure, grabs his dick and inserts it with his right hand - is this normal ?
Marge replied....
My darling,
Some men do insert it by holding and guiding it with their right hand, whilst others use their left hand.
If you ever come across a man who uses both at once, my telephone number is...
0207 545 98..
Dear Marge,
Whenever my husband and I make love, he always without failure, grabs his dick and inserts it with his right hand - is this normal ?
Marge replied....
My darling,
Some men do insert it by holding and guiding it with their right hand, whilst others use their left hand.
If you ever come across a man who uses both at once, my telephone number is...
0207 545 98..
Good morning each,
There I was in that half sleep, you know the feeling.. should I get up or, should I drift back and have another half an hour with Pamela Anderson / George Clooney.... (trying not to be sexist - although a few of the ladies might be thinking of having both) :shock:
When the wife decides to make sure I'm awake by hiding her head under the quilt
Now don't get me wrong, much as it's extremely pleasurable - nature was telling me that a trip across the landing was needed b4 anything serious was gonna happen... On my return I find a very warm and wet wife - yum yum, obviously for the next hour enjoyment / pleasure / and a soaking wet bed woke me up completely.
Has anyone any tales to tell of a memorable early morning ????
There I was in that half sleep, you know the feeling.. should I get up or, should I drift back and have another half an hour with Pamela Anderson / George Clooney.... (trying not to be sexist - although a few of the ladies might be thinking of having both) :shock:
When the wife decides to make sure I'm awake by hiding her head under the quilt
Now don't get me wrong, much as it's extremely pleasurable - nature was telling me that a trip across the landing was needed b4 anything serious was gonna happen... On my return I find a very warm and wet wife - yum yum, obviously for the next hour enjoyment / pleasure / and a soaking wet bed woke me up completely.
Has anyone any tales to tell of a memorable early morning ????
Hope you don't think this is a hijack (heaven forbid that I'd do that) ......... 
I've been concerned about Rolf Harris and his songs over the years, I mean, when you consider he sung about "Two little boys" - oh yes, heard about blokes like you.
What about that other one - Jake the peg, with his extra leg (and what bloke hasn't).......
But the worse has to be "Tie me Kangaroo down sport", I mean - not enough sheep in the outback for you Rolf ? You have to degrade a Kangaroo ?
Knighthood - pah - he wants stringin' up so he can sing "I lost my Mummy" at full volume.
Right off me soapbox - as you were.
I've been concerned about Rolf Harris and his songs over the years, I mean, when you consider he sung about "Two little boys" - oh yes, heard about blokes like you.
What about that other one - Jake the peg, with his extra leg (and what bloke hasn't).......
But the worse has to be "Tie me Kangaroo down sport", I mean - not enough sheep in the outback for you Rolf ? You have to degrade a Kangaroo ?
Knighthood - pah - he wants stringin' up so he can sing "I lost my Mummy" at full volume.
Right off me soapbox - as you were.
Hi there,
For my 4 peneth, I look at life / marriage / relationships / friends, everything in fact, with a fairly simple philosophy and it is this....
Quoting the Bible - You reap what you sow, or another way is... GI / GO = Garbage in/Garbage out, another way is... You get out of life what you put in.
However, and there's always a however... not always
With my previous of 26 years married and a total of 30 years together, an anniversary was a time of celebration between us surviving, so sometimes (but not always) I did arrange for flowers to be sent to her place of work, or I'd try and arrange some old friends of hers / bridesmaid(s) / people we'd lost contact with, to come over or meet at a restaurant I'd planned to take us to that evening.
In return (and I wasn't looking for anything) I may get a little present of a gift, but to be honest, the biggest gift a woman could give me (and this stopped happening - hence she is now my ex) is to look me in the eyes and say she loves me with all her heart.
Priceless.
If my friend you're looking that sex is your gift in response for your gift of flowers or whatever, then IMO, you're not looking deep enough into a woman's heart. As Wibbly says, Men are from Mars - although a few of us are so stuck up our own Uranus it hurts
