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Red__Van__Man
Over 90 days ago
Male

Forum

Staggers, bleary eyed, out of the GFZ. Pausing only to remove a large piece of ginger, mysteriously inserted in his undies, he wanders over to the forum. Rubbing his eyes, he glances at the later posts then whips back round to take a closer look!!
Oh aye, kept that one quiet didn't we? wink
Hope you all had a great time and look forward to viewing the pics biggrin
Well, seeing as how someone was kind enough to leave the door unlocked, I can go to work now. Catch you all later peeps smile
Oh and BG, hope you have a productive day. Make sure you keep your helmet clean, you never know when someone may want to examine it 8)
shuffles off, muttering about how everyone else has a better sex life than him and who pushed that piece of ginger up me bum, whilst I was asleep?
Mandy
If should change your mind and want to experiment, as I was discussing with someone the other night, then red wine is a very mild one to start with. You could then move up to toothpaste.... mmmmm, tingly! For more the advanced there's Ralgex and the like (once applied by accident (instead of KY) never forgotten! Personally, I'm rather partial to using raw root ginger!

Thanks for that Mandy, I think confused
I agree that red wine is a very mild one. A sparkling wine adds another sensation, as the bubbles burst smile
Toothpaste, used in small quantities and not one of the strong flavoured varieties, can be interesting. wink
I've never tried raw ginger but, am willing to experiment with someone I could trust (That rules you out straight away, Jags :twisted: )
I heard of a couple who had problems, after they'd just eaten a strong chili con carne. Apparently, after engaging in a 69, both suffered from genital burning. She was in a worse state than him, so I heard.
Jags
GOD.. you're a real wimp RVM - thought the tingling feeling on your dangly bits would perk you up!!

Its because I wish to remain a "manly man", that I'm not letting you near my dangly bits with any of your potions. Anyway, I don't need perking up, barring the odd tin of Red Bull. wink
Don't forget, I'm still recovering from Kat's Gran's remedies for removing ink, soot et al from my dangly bits. So any further suggestions from peeps, involving the application of substances to my genitalia, will be treated with extreme caution. :shock:
shuffles off, muttering about how some people have some very weird and wonderful ways of keeping themselves entertained
This has got to be a wind up. Somebody please tell me this is a wind up. :shock:
shuffles off muttering, eating a concoction of beans, eggs, strong cheese and sprouts just in case its for real wink
Blue
There's no way in this world that I would play Rugby Union

Who said anything about actually playing rugby, league or union??? wink
It was just my attempt at getting to see you gals in rugby shirts and for me to molest some scantily clad sex bombs! redface
shuffles off muttering, about how the thought of gentian violet on his dangly bits still haunts him :cry: :cry:
Dunno what happened there??? :shock:
There's some right strange comings an' goings, on this 'ere forum wotserrname........ rolleyes :shock: surprised
Thank you Jags, for deleting the copy biggrin :D
Jags
Just as long as the rugby shirt I get to wear is blue - and the shorts YOU get to wear are hot! I'm not sure if you'd survive an onslaught from Blue, Mandy and me

Jags, you can wear whatever colour shirt you like biggrin
Oh and as an Englishman, I'd like to say how sorry I am that Scotland got knocked out. However, you can keep your gentian violet to yourself, thank you very muchly!!! :shock: :shock:
Mandy
Pleeeease, can I wear stockings with my rugby shirt - my legs look much better that way!

For fans of the Fast Show.......... I'm sorry............ I've just cum redface
shuffles off muttering, wondering if he should volunteer to play No8 for the girlies, to even things up....... Oh dear..... I've just cum again surprisedops:
Sorry Begentle, I'm passing as well.
Having daughters, who are slightly less than twenty years old, would make me reluctant to have sex with a woman in that age group. That's a personal choice, I'm not criticising anyone my age (of either sex) who would or does. Apart from that, surely its down to the person not their age?
I know plenty of women, who are well into their fifties and sixties, who exude a sexy air and are fantastic lovers. That's not meant as a patronising ageist comment either. Those same ladies were attractive and had sex appeal when younger, age has not altered that.
Likewise, I couldn't tell you what turns me on, as a general rule. Its down to the person. How they talk, walk, dress, move, think, act, play, the list is endless. It has little to do with size, shape or age.
S'OK, I'll get back in me box again......
Bloody Hell!!! I thought this was the Girlie Free Zone, not the Twilight Zone :shock: :shock:
I type out a slanderous abusive, not to mention slobbish post, only to find it evolves into a post from Jags!!! surprised :o
Then, to compound matters, I learn that Jags is in fact the lady with the large horn-rimmed glasses who used to whack the interviewer for his double entendres. This before mincing off into the distance, tripping over her own feet as she went!! What is SH coming to? confused
Glad you enjoyed the game Mal, as I did. Whilst I wasn't one of those who believed we would steamroller them, I didn't lose my faith in England's ability to kill Wales off. However, I did and still have some concerns. Firstly, we continue to give away needless penalties in dangerous positions. Linked to this, we are still showing a lack of discipline and purpose. Having spent the first half willing, begging and pleading Woodward to bring Mike Catt on, I was relieved to see Catt come on and do what I hoped he would. He brings a level of control to our back line and takes a huge load off Wilkinson. I also feel certain players, such as Back and Dallaglio, are not giving or at least showing their best.
But, my main concern are the French backs. I never thought I'd say this but, I actually admired the way they played. Having seen how they carved through a gritty Irish defence, then compared it to how we stood up to the Welsh attacks, I have grave concerns. :cry:
I'm hoping that, as with all the best sides, we will hit our best form when we truly need it. I'm not panicking yet, still believing we can do it. Only time will tell whether we are or not. :?
Now then Blue, Jags & Mandy, whilst we're in a rugby frame of mind, how's about a little loose mauling and some ball control from the lasses? You fancy a game, Girls v Boys? Me and the lads could shove the chairs to one side, then we could have some fun on the carpet. :twisted:
Unfortunately, we've not got enough kit to go round. So, I suggest you wear the shirts and we'll wear the shorts. I'm sure you would all look good in rugby shirts, just rugby shirts.......... biggrin
Its no use, I'm going to have to go and have a lie down. The thought of you gals in rugby shirts has affected me sense of balance wink
shuffles off muttering, about how his shorts are getting tighter with all these thoughts of gals in shirts
Jags
WOW - 8 lines of writing and not a punctuation mark amongst them... must be a record.

Was that recorded by Echo & The Bunnymen? confused
Go on Jags, you hum it and I'll try to sing along wink
shuffles off muttering the words to enola gaye knowing full well omd recorded that song coz he wanted some smart alec muso to point out his mistake coz he feels in a rebellious mood and did you know my curtains are off white they should really be white but i never wash them so thats how they got to be off white anyway i dont care coz i lick them or should that be like them i dunno its all getting far too tricky for me i think ill have to go and have a lie down and contemplate my naval oh no there i go again thinking about ships when i should be thinking about my tummy button hmmmmm anyone fancy a shag whilst im in a rebellious mood ive got a big willy which i wash every now and again and im dead good at oral in fact i can talk for england surely that must be a record
shuffles in, scratching his nuts. Belching and farting, as he makes his way over to the fridge for another beer
shuffles off muttering, about how he's going to keep a close eye on Jags, this weekend. If Jags has the key to the door, he's going to make sure he leaves when she does wink
NOW you know the rules on farting. Yellow card for Red Van Man!! Tomorrow is rugby rugby rugby - need the boys in blue to do well and don't mind if the boys in red, green and white sort themselves out too.
Key is oiled RVM - Blue left a plentiful supply of lube, just right for the strap-on too if you feel the need rotflmao
If you don't leave in time I'm going to leave you in there to fester and mould so make sure you heed the 'time' call.
Pours another glass of wine, only the second one tonight, and goes off to check the lock
x xx
Don't know how this ended up as a RVM posting - but it's from Jags Isn't the www weird but wonderful???
I'm still recovering from the fact that the staff at The Times know what sex is and that it actually takes place!! :shock:
Good grief, at this rate they may even accept there's intelligent life beyond Watford Gap!! rolleyes
shuffles off muttering, about how there aren't enough nekkid wimmin in The Telegraph either
Bluexxx
Did I hear that Kat has gone away to take some pics of himself in a basque - oooohhhh, can't wait - but then again, I might have put 2 and 2 together and got 98

I'd have thought two 69's would have been your preferred result? wink
BlueEyes
Now come on RVM...Blue, Jags and I are all waiting!

Awwwww c'mon ladies surely you know by now, that a gentleman would never divulge such details? rolleyes
All I will say is, that a jolly good time was had by all biggrin :D :D
In fact, it was nearly as good as this afternoon's encounter wink
shuffles off muttering, reprimanding himself for setting another feline free from it's confines, whilst trying desperately to mask his self-satisfied grin 8)
I can only agree, with most of what has been said.
Yes it does work and people do meet up but, as with most things in life, you tend to get out what you put in. wink
As AK says, there are no guarantees. Better to accept that patience is a virtue, when looking for suitable partners/playmates. confused
You will get the mindless, stupid and hopeless, responding to any ads you place. rolleyes
You will almost certainly get let down, at some stage. sad
You may even question whether there are any other sane people left alive. :shock:
However, stick at it and sooner or later you should find what you're looking for. smile
In the mean time there are plenty of "experienced" couples in here who can offer guidance and advice, based on their own experiences. 8)
Have fun :)
Kat
RVM, where the hell were you at the weekend?? we thought you had fallen asleep somewhere and turned the GFZ upside down looking for you!

Apologies gang, for not informing you of my whereabouts over the weekend. redface
Thank you, for your nice welcome back, though biggrin
Considering myself a gentleman and so sharing Becker's book of ethics, I will only say that Friday and Saturday were very pleasant, thank you very much indeedy. wink :D
Sunday was also very pleasant, albeit less energetic and more family orientated, as I spent the day and night with my folks. Mother making sure her "little boy" ate well because, as we all know, mothers always know best. 8)
So, by the time I reached the GFZ, it was locked for another week. sad
Here are a few more groaners.........
There was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing his girl with great glee
She said stop your plumbing
I think someone's coming
Said the plumber I know -- "its me"!
A kinky young girl from Coleshill
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
There was a young fellow from Harrow
Who had one as big as a marrow
He said to his tart
Try this for a start.
My balls are outside on a barrow.
There was a young girl from Hitchen
Who was scratching her crutch in the kitchen
Her mother said "Rose,
Its crabs I suppose?".
Rose said "bollocks, get on with
your knitting"
There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had tits of differing sizes
One was quite small
Almost nothing at all.
But the other was big and won prizes.
There was a young lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Within half an hour
Her tits were a-flower
And her bum was all covered in weeds
Hello to you both and welcome to the madhouse biggrin
Hope you enjoy your stay, meet loads of nice peeps and generally have a great time 8)
We must tell we have just recieved an E-mail from a real smooth talker, the full context was
you out and about today in the area
what can you say he must be inundated with mail it was signed, but thats all. I think there is a little caveman in there somewhere

Yep, I bet he's beating 'em off with a shitty stick!! :shock:
Who says, the art of intelligent discourse is dead??? wink
Hope you enjoy your weekend and the conversation stretches beyond such dizzy heights. biggrin
Lucky Blue Eyes biggrin
Monday morning meetings, remembering what you had done on the table on the Friday, must be easier to bear? wink
Sex in the workplace certainly adds to the fun :D
Anyone else got any office experiences to share? rolleyes
JohnnyTheFox
It would be difficult for me to be the lead singer Phil Lynott as he died in 1986

Missed and still remembered by many 8) 8) 8) 8)
Phil Lynott, during live shows, would ask the audience.....
"Is there anyone, in the audience, with any Irish in them?"
Waiting for the cheers to subside, he would then ask...........
"Are there any girls, in the audience, who'd like a little more Irish in them?"
Shuffles off muttering, that it can't really be 30 years ago I first saw Thin Lizzy
We all dance to a different drum, I guess smile
Who are we to knock you, for finding female bellybuttons sexy? Its no different to anyone finding feet, legs, bums or breasts, the part of a woman which floats their boat. :)
Just one question though, belly. Do you prefer them with or without fluff? confused wink
As with any other physical attributes, its a matter of personal choice and taste.
Heather rightly says, the priority is keeping whatever you do have clean. I'd also name Eau de Billingsgate and Eau de Dairylea, as smells guaranteed to halt proceedings sad
Personally, I prefer neat and sparse or none at all on my partner, as I am not a "hairy" fan. Quite apart from the aesthetics I, like Mal, hate spitting pubic hairs out. confused
I keep myself trimmed, although have gone for the "Kojak" look in the past. The only problem was the itchiness, as I allowed it to grow back. I also noticed, after letting it grow back the first time, that the hair was more coarse than before I shaved.
Little tip, for any of the guys who don't trim. Your pride and joy looks bigger after you trim wink
Jags
Hey.. I got the keys to my cage AND to GFZ... slip me a fiver and I'll let you have a copy!!

Just a cotton pickin' broken legged minute! You're saying, you had the keys to the GFZ all along? surprised :o
My apologies Kat, for your misunderstanding. Re; aportioning of blame. wink
It would appear that one of the fairer sex (Who the heck said they were fair?), has managed to obtain a key to the GFZ!!! :o
In light of this revelation and Blue's failure to administer my punishment at the alloted time, I would like to propose we have an extra-ordinary meeting, of the GFZ committee.
Shuffles off muttering, just for the sheer hell of it
Jags
As far as I can make out it's your own bloody fault for falling asleep in GFZ in the first place - one too many cans I think! Now you need to just thank those who left the window open, only chastised you and allowed you the privilege of helping a fellow SH person out of a tight spot - Fiestas aren't that big!!

Who rattled your cage?? :twisted:
All I wanted was a little sympathy........ I don't ask for much in this life....... I only asked for that coz me legs 'urt......... I'd have let Blue use me van if she'd asked...........
Shuffles off (still on crutches) muttering about feeling very unloved, victimised, unwanted, used and abused
Just wanted to add my praise, to all the other compliments biggrin
Girls, you look like you had a great time and Mandy's b/f should be praised for taking such great pics. :D
All in all, a great result :D :D :D
I think I better go and have a lie down. I'm starting to feel a little light-headed. All the blood's on its way to another part of my body confused
Kat
If you have an official complaint, submit to the committee in triplicate and it will be considered at the next bi-century meeting. Oh by the way, you missed the one we had this morning and as you missed it you are officially chastised by the committee. Report for ritual flogging by Blue at 10 O'clock tomorrow please.

I didn't realise what a cold heartless swine you are, until now!! sad
Oh and would you kindly take your hands off my stiffy, claiming it as yours!! mad
To add insult to injury you nick me van, go shopping in it and leave it bereft of fuel!! surprised :o
I just hope the plaster cast offers some protection, from Blue and her whopper!! confused
Shuffles off (still on crutches) muttering about how true colours are being shown by certain individuals
Interesting poll Kat smile
My fantasies tend to be based in the real world. I would describe them as achievable fantasies, in that the people are people I know, the settings are true to life and the feats are physically possible. OK, so I may use a little artistic licence here and there wink
However, I don't sit daydreaming, or more acurately lie in bed, imagining Connie Montoya and Catherine Zeta Jones telling me they have never seen one as big as that or have never been shagged quite as well as I just did, in between pleasuring each other for my entertainment, as the pilot takes my Gulfstream for one more pass over the Bay of Biscay.
There again, a friend of mine fantasised about a threesome. He wanted another woman to join he and his partner in bed. He had discussed it with his partner, she wasn't against the idea and said it sounded fun. They both found it a turn on and wanted to take it further. One evening another couple they knew called round to visit. Whilst the guys were in the kitchen sorting the drinks out, the female guest came on to my friend's partner. On walking back into the room, my friend saw another woman kissing his partner and he froze. Far from finding it a turn on he felt sick, threatened and very jealous. The fantasy had seemed so good, the reality wasn't.
Natalie
Omg !!! how many times do i have to say?

Sadly Natalie you are not alone and as Mark has pointed out, it is a common gripe amongst the more intelligent members of this group. Before anyone accuses me of being elitist I mean that, by intelligent, they are able who can read!! Mark does a great job with this site and appears to have the patience of a saint, when it comes to mis-posted ads and stupid questions. (I've asked a few stupid ones myself redface )
Just to redress the balance a little, I read your advert having seen you were fairly local to me. However, on seeing that your cut off age was 40 and I am slightly over that, I didn't respond. sad
Still, at least I got to admire your photos wink
Pete & Sue, I'm sure you must get fed up of mails from people who do not meet your criteria, cannot read, have no imagination or are just plain stupid.
I appreciate most couples or single females advertising, will get inundated with offers from single males and that to reply to each and every one would be time consuming.
However, when an advertiser has asked for a detailed response and asked for certain criteria to be met, I feel the least they could do is respond to those who have taken the time and trouble to do just that. (I must stress that this complaint is not aimed at yourselves, by the way.)
Welcome to the madhouse Popeye smile
I'd offer to show you round but, thanks to certain members of this group, I've got my legs covered in plaster!! mad :x
Shuffles off (on crutches) muttering about how he wonders if Popeye's bringing Olive along?