Quote by southwest sinner
quote] you cant have seen a picture of wanye rooney (long haired pretty boy ???)
lmao....he looks like shreks ugly brother
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Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 54
Straight Female
0 miles · Greater Manchester
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Sexlightened
I'm assuming you mean tomorrow but I won't quibble over a day...2-1 would be a great result for us but being realistic...we only scored 9 goals in 9 games and arsenal have only conceded 8 we'll be lucky to get more corners than they do. At the moment we aren't in the same league as arsenal so I would settle for a draw but even that is being hopeful. Fully expect arsenal to emerge with the record of 50 games unbeaten.
I'm saying these things in the hope of perverting the course of fate...here's hoping.
I'm saying these things in the hope of perverting the course of fate...here's hoping.
Sexlightened
Steve I'm so glad you posted that. I found something here that I can relate to. So far my posts here have been pretty short unless I copied something from the net to share with everyone but I think this one will be a little longer and all my own work too.
In june last year my wife and I took our first tentative steps into the swinging world. At the time we worked opposite shifts (I work in car sales and my wife was at the time assistant manager of a restaurant) and to relieve the boredom at night whilst she was working I surfed the web looking for anything to keep me entertained and I found a swingers website. I posted a profile just out of curiosity and was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of replies to the ad so I decided to show my wife. Her first response was, "no way you won't catch me doing that", but after a few days her views started to change and we found ourselves in the chatroom, making friends, having a laugh etc.
Then came our first meet..just a friendly social was all we planned but it turned into a threesome and we had a great night. We met the same guy a couple more times but then he declared his love for my wife so we decided to move on and meet some new people. He wouldn't let go and things turned ugly to the point where we almost quit the scene. Then we met another guy and we all got along really well together so our faith was restored except now I was starting to wonder whether my wife was really into swinging and not just using it as an excuse to meet the guys and not the couples. Eventually we met a couple and had a fantastic social evening. We met them again and had another great social evening and finally at the third attempt we swapped with them and it was out of this world. My wife still seemed to prefer threesomes or at least that's how I saw it even though she would tell me she was having a great time and enjoying the whole thing. However, my doubts continued to gnaw away at me inside and I couldn't shake the feeling of insecurity to the point where it affected my confidence. We continued to swing up until january this year when we had a threesome and I just felt like a spare part...it was like I wasn't needed there at all. I felt that, had I not been there, it wouldn't have made any difference to them. I was wrong. At the time I didn't know it but I was so very wrong. I decided that was it for me I just didn't want to know anymore so I told my wife how I was feeling and made her choose...me or the scene...she chose me and things just went on as though we'd never heard of swinging...for a few weeks. Inside we were missing it like crazy until eventually we told each other and decided to make a comeback. Immediately all my insecurities came flooding back, they hit me like a tidal wave and I completely lost the plot. We were with a couple at their house after they had taken us out to see some dogging action (we both crapped it and wouldn't get out the car). After a lot of foreplay my bottle just went and i knew i couldn't go through with it so i faked feeling ill and we came home. This was 2 weeks before our 7th wedding anniversary. 3 days before the anniversary we separated...kind of... I was sleeping on the sofa and she had the bed. Things became hostile and eventually she left to stay at her parents house leaving me to cope alone with our 2 toddlers. At first we would call each other and eventually she asked to come back but we had been here so many times in the past I just wanted to get over the hurt and move on so I refused. She then decided she wanted to be here with the kids. I knew it was a battle I wouldn't win, having been there before in a past relationship and spending 5 years searching for my kids and eventually getting contact. I contacted my parents and they agreed to let me stay there until I found something more permanent. A few weeks later my wife was breaking down, she just couldn't cope and four wall syndrome was really getting to her. I didn't help because I refused to look after the boys while she was out meeting swingers and I had told her she wasn't to have them visiting the house whilst the boys were there(selfish I know but I was a total mess by this time). Eventually it all got too much for her and I came back here and she moved in with a girlfriend, this was in may, less than a year since we started swinging. I'm still here with my boys and not a day has passed where I haven't missed my wife...I loved her then and I love her now more than anything in the world. She says she still loves me but she's really messed up at the moment.
Everything you have read so far concerns our lives as swingers...well pretty much everything anyways...here is the reality of the situation.
I said before that we had been here before...on the verge of separation...we always made up and carried on as normal. This was before we had heard of swinging. The mistake we kept making was carrying on as normal each time it happened. We swept the serious issues under the carpet and just argued about anything and everything...mostly trivial stuff. The reason for this was quite simple...My job is demanding and time consuming...I worked a 7 day week and quality time with my family was rare. My wife worked nights, weekends, and sometimes she would stay over to give her employers a break from the place and a chance for them to stay at their own house instead of on premises. She was also a full time mother. We had money problems...paying off a bank loan..car on finance etc etc so we lived on a shoestring budget. Our social circle just whittled away til there was nothing left. We would both feel guilty if we wanted to go out with our friends. Both of us saw it as a waste of money that would be better spent elsewhere...i.e. paying the loans/overdraft etc. So we stopped socialising completely until we found swinging. Even then we felt bad about spending money on social evenings or travelling costs. My wife was fully aware of our problems but in my paranoid state i blamed swinging. Over the last few months having had time to sit back and analyse everything I now realise why we had problems and also that swinging, if anything, just made the cracks in our relationship more visible and ultimately more difficult to paper over. We both still swing...no crisis of conscience and no big loans left to pay back. We worked out times for her to come see the boys and have them sleep over at her place. We still sleep together from time to time and it's better than it ever was. We both agree that our problems were financial and totally unrelated to anything else we were doing at the time, as evidenced by the fact we had been there before we had been swinging. 2 days ago I asked her to come back....she's thinking about it. I have no clue as to what the outcome will be but I have my fingers crossed. In the meantime we both lead our separate lives. We still play the good parents role at parent/teacher evenings..social functions and so on. Now only time will tell...I hope and pray that my own unfounded paranoia hasn't ruined all hope of us getting back together. I just wish we had been like Steve and Claire and talked about the real issues affecting our everyday and swinging lives and maybe then we would be here as a couple. Please use this as an example of what not to do and how not to do it.
Fuck me I wrote an essay and it still doesn't seem to cover everything...maybe I should of posted this separately. Anyways, thanks to you Steve for being so open about your own problems and giving me the confidence to share mine. I hope you don't see this as a thread hijack and i hope it doesn't put too much strain on SH bandwidth.
Thanks for reading this...I don't want sympathy I just wanted to share in the hope that other people will take the time to look deep inside themselves and so avoid making the same mistakes as me.
O.K. end of essay....phew...I just don't write this way usually.
In june last year my wife and I took our first tentative steps into the swinging world. At the time we worked opposite shifts (I work in car sales and my wife was at the time assistant manager of a restaurant) and to relieve the boredom at night whilst she was working I surfed the web looking for anything to keep me entertained and I found a swingers website. I posted a profile just out of curiosity and was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of replies to the ad so I decided to show my wife. Her first response was, "no way you won't catch me doing that", but after a few days her views started to change and we found ourselves in the chatroom, making friends, having a laugh etc.
Then came our first meet..just a friendly social was all we planned but it turned into a threesome and we had a great night. We met the same guy a couple more times but then he declared his love for my wife so we decided to move on and meet some new people. He wouldn't let go and things turned ugly to the point where we almost quit the scene. Then we met another guy and we all got along really well together so our faith was restored except now I was starting to wonder whether my wife was really into swinging and not just using it as an excuse to meet the guys and not the couples. Eventually we met a couple and had a fantastic social evening. We met them again and had another great social evening and finally at the third attempt we swapped with them and it was out of this world. My wife still seemed to prefer threesomes or at least that's how I saw it even though she would tell me she was having a great time and enjoying the whole thing. However, my doubts continued to gnaw away at me inside and I couldn't shake the feeling of insecurity to the point where it affected my confidence. We continued to swing up until january this year when we had a threesome and I just felt like a spare part...it was like I wasn't needed there at all. I felt that, had I not been there, it wouldn't have made any difference to them. I was wrong. At the time I didn't know it but I was so very wrong. I decided that was it for me I just didn't want to know anymore so I told my wife how I was feeling and made her choose...me or the scene...she chose me and things just went on as though we'd never heard of swinging...for a few weeks. Inside we were missing it like crazy until eventually we told each other and decided to make a comeback. Immediately all my insecurities came flooding back, they hit me like a tidal wave and I completely lost the plot. We were with a couple at their house after they had taken us out to see some dogging action (we both crapped it and wouldn't get out the car). After a lot of foreplay my bottle just went and i knew i couldn't go through with it so i faked feeling ill and we came home. This was 2 weeks before our 7th wedding anniversary. 3 days before the anniversary we separated...kind of... I was sleeping on the sofa and she had the bed. Things became hostile and eventually she left to stay at her parents house leaving me to cope alone with our 2 toddlers. At first we would call each other and eventually she asked to come back but we had been here so many times in the past I just wanted to get over the hurt and move on so I refused. She then decided she wanted to be here with the kids. I knew it was a battle I wouldn't win, having been there before in a past relationship and spending 5 years searching for my kids and eventually getting contact. I contacted my parents and they agreed to let me stay there until I found something more permanent. A few weeks later my wife was breaking down, she just couldn't cope and four wall syndrome was really getting to her. I didn't help because I refused to look after the boys while she was out meeting swingers and I had told her she wasn't to have them visiting the house whilst the boys were there(selfish I know but I was a total mess by this time). Eventually it all got too much for her and I came back here and she moved in with a girlfriend, this was in may, less than a year since we started swinging. I'm still here with my boys and not a day has passed where I haven't missed my wife...I loved her then and I love her now more than anything in the world. She says she still loves me but she's really messed up at the moment.
Everything you have read so far concerns our lives as swingers...well pretty much everything anyways...here is the reality of the situation.
I said before that we had been here before...on the verge of separation...we always made up and carried on as normal. This was before we had heard of swinging. The mistake we kept making was carrying on as normal each time it happened. We swept the serious issues under the carpet and just argued about anything and everything...mostly trivial stuff. The reason for this was quite simple...My job is demanding and time consuming...I worked a 7 day week and quality time with my family was rare. My wife worked nights, weekends, and sometimes she would stay over to give her employers a break from the place and a chance for them to stay at their own house instead of on premises. She was also a full time mother. We had money problems...paying off a bank loan..car on finance etc etc so we lived on a shoestring budget. Our social circle just whittled away til there was nothing left. We would both feel guilty if we wanted to go out with our friends. Both of us saw it as a waste of money that would be better spent elsewhere...i.e. paying the loans/overdraft etc. So we stopped socialising completely until we found swinging. Even then we felt bad about spending money on social evenings or travelling costs. My wife was fully aware of our problems but in my paranoid state i blamed swinging. Over the last few months having had time to sit back and analyse everything I now realise why we had problems and also that swinging, if anything, just made the cracks in our relationship more visible and ultimately more difficult to paper over. We both still swing...no crisis of conscience and no big loans left to pay back. We worked out times for her to come see the boys and have them sleep over at her place. We still sleep together from time to time and it's better than it ever was. We both agree that our problems were financial and totally unrelated to anything else we were doing at the time, as evidenced by the fact we had been there before we had been swinging. 2 days ago I asked her to come back....she's thinking about it. I have no clue as to what the outcome will be but I have my fingers crossed. In the meantime we both lead our separate lives. We still play the good parents role at parent/teacher evenings..social functions and so on. Now only time will tell...I hope and pray that my own unfounded paranoia hasn't ruined all hope of us getting back together. I just wish we had been like Steve and Claire and talked about the real issues affecting our everyday and swinging lives and maybe then we would be here as a couple. Please use this as an example of what not to do and how not to do it.
Fuck me I wrote an essay and it still doesn't seem to cover everything...maybe I should of posted this separately. Anyways, thanks to you Steve for being so open about your own problems and giving me the confidence to share mine. I hope you don't see this as a thread hijack and i hope it doesn't put too much strain on SH bandwidth.
Thanks for reading this...I don't want sympathy I just wanted to share in the hope that other people will take the time to look deep inside themselves and so avoid making the same mistakes as me.
O.K. end of essay....phew...I just don't write this way usually.
Sexlightened
i'm tired but i can't get to sleep so here have some more reading
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in
pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practising to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three-one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in
pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practising to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three-one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for air and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Sexlightened
am enjoying my own company tonight so am gonna continue on in my own thread...
LITTLE BILLY ON EATING CANDY:
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat. " Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years >old." "Oh? " replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f---ing >business!"
LITTLE BILLY ON. . . PHILOSOPHY: > > > > > >
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a >fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? " She calls on little Billy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? " The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. " To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking. " __________________________________________________
> > > > > > LITTLE BILLY ON. . . MATH: > > > > > > > > > > > >
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why? " asks the father. " "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3? ' I said 6," replied >Billy. "But that's right! " says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2? '" "What's the f---ing difference? " asks the father? "That's what I said! "
LITTLE BILLY ON. . . ENGLISH: > > > > > >
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word? " Billy says "Mas-tur-bate. " Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a >mouthful." Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON. . . GRAMMAR: > > > > > >
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "lovely" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a lovely dress and she looked lovely in it." "Very good, Suzie, " replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a lovely banquet and it turned out lovely." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael! " Then, she reluctantly asked Billy "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister announced to my father that she was pregnant, and he said "lovely, just f----ing lovely
LITTLE BILLY ON EATING CANDY:
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat. " Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years >old." "Oh? " replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f---ing >business!"
LITTLE BILLY ON. . . PHILOSOPHY: > > > > > >
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a >fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? " She calls on little Billy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? " The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. " To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking. " __________________________________________________
> > > > > > LITTLE BILLY ON. . . MATH: > > > > > > > > > > > >
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why? " asks the father. " "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3? ' I said 6," replied >Billy. "But that's right! " says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2? '" "What's the f---ing difference? " asks the father? "That's what I said! "
LITTLE BILLY ON. . . ENGLISH: > > > > > >
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word? " Billy says "Mas-tur-bate. " Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a >mouthful." Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON. . . GRAMMAR: > > > > > >
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "lovely" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a lovely dress and she looked lovely in it." "Very good, Suzie, " replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a lovely banquet and it turned out lovely." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael! " Then, she reluctantly asked Billy "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister announced to my father that she was pregnant, and he said "lovely, just f----ing lovely
Sexlightened
and when ya finished playing with the links...here's something to read
Hangover Ratings
1 star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Small headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2Â Sausage Rolls and a
litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following -
home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating
calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three
hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
Hangover Ratings
1 star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Small headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2Â Sausage Rolls and a
litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following -
home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating
calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three
hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
Sexlightened
need a break from posting??....try these for size....just light entertainment is all
for anyone who thought penguins couldn't fly...click to start click again to hit
just click on the horses heads
just move the mouse pointer around the screen
all of the above are better with the sound on....have fun
iain
for anyone who thought penguins couldn't fly...click to start click again to hit
just click on the horses heads
just move the mouse pointer around the screen
all of the above are better with the sound on....have fun
iain
Sexlightened
i haven't been around here long enough to make any friends as yet but i can honestly say i'd go for a beer with any of ya...you ppl are funny as hell...it's been a while since i spent so long on my puter...even fell asleep at the k/b whilst in the chatroom last night..can't wait for a local munch to come around so i can meet some of ya...ya kill me ya really do
Sexlightened
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?
She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?
She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Sexlightened
You left your fingerprints on my HDD, don't do it again.
PS You don't know any local carpet fitters do you?[/quote
am usually cleaner than that so next time i'll wear gloves...i mean there won't be a next time honest
as for carpet fitters i know loads due to my speech impediment which makes it impossible to say linoninum...limonelum....fuck it gimme a carpet..hehe
seriously tho i work with a guy who fits carpets in his spare time...he's pretty cheap as well jsut a couple of packs of baccy and all the tea he can drink and he's happy
PS You don't know any local carpet fitters do you?[/quote
am usually cleaner than that so next time i'll wear gloves...i mean there won't be a next time honest
as for carpet fitters i know loads due to my speech impediment which makes it impossible to say linoninum...limonelum....fuck it gimme a carpet..hehe
seriously tho i work with a guy who fits carpets in his spare time...he's pretty cheap as well jsut a couple of packs of baccy and all the tea he can drink and he's happy
Sexlightened
wooohooo...i think i found my niche here...am between fun-couple and buzznsusie...unfortunately buzznsusie aint posted for over a year and i think being new and not having reached even double figures yet that i already have a new 3sum goin on...oh well such is life...guess am just gonna have to keep my pecker up..keep postin an enjoy things as they happen hehe
Sexlightened
my current top 3 right now would be
1)comfortably numb-pink floyd(all time favourite)
2)dry your eyes-the streets
3)nowadays-eminem and Dr. Dre
fave album is
the eminem show....gotta love that sarcasm
film
monty python's the life of brian
who to be stuck on the moon with...hmmmm..i dunno anyone from here so i guess it's gonna have to be whoever got the food, oxygen, spacesuits and whatever else i need to survive up there
1)comfortably numb-pink floyd(all time favourite)
2)dry your eyes-the streets
3)nowadays-eminem and Dr. Dre
fave album is
the eminem show....gotta love that sarcasm
film
monty python's the life of brian
who to be stuck on the moon with...hmmmm..i dunno anyone from here so i guess it's gonna have to be whoever got the food, oxygen, spacesuits and whatever else i need to survive up there
Sexlightened
How to succeed with women, virtually all Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my 's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: {
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my 's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: {
Sexlightened
thanx guys i feel more than welcome now...only just got out of bed coz am feelin a bit crappy i got that man flu thingy so ya know it's not as bad as am gonna make out but ya can't blame a guy for trying for the sympathy vote...finks am gonna take me mask off in the chatroom from now on an try to get to know some of ya a lil better..thanx again for the welcomes am gonna go read some more in teh poetry bit now...some awesome stuff there
Sexlightened
i been hangin round the site for a couple of weeks now but decided to post a photoad a couple of days ago....joined the forums today an spent most of it readin em all...well most of em anyways...well some of em then, come on there's thousands of em...you ppl are funny...very funny...still makes me laugh when i think back to some of what i read...anyways...am not a stranger to swingin but since the breakdown of my marriage in march this year and being left alone wi 2 kiddies i kinda lost the urge(i wasn't swingin alone and it wasn't swingin that killed our marriage...btw)...i been in the chat a few times over the last couple of days/nights wearing a disguise til i worked out who was who etc, not chatted to anyone as yet in case i can't remove my foot from my mouth later on...i don't wanna crash and burn before i really get started...i had loads to say when i started this but ya know how it go's when analysis takes over so am gonna shut up before i start rambling...if i haven't already...seriously hopin this doesn't turn into one of those posts that doesn't get a reply ya know how it is wi nerves an all...lookin forward to makin some new friends here online and in realtime...ok am really shuttin up now...thanx for readin this
iain
iain
Sexlightened
Hey Ice...i haven't done a new to all this either so am gonna jump in your's hehehe...sooooo...here's 5 things i have done recently..
1) joined SH..good move i think
2) found out the american girl comin to meet me was a bunny boiler...she ain't comin no more
3) thrown a sicky from work today coz i couldn't be assed to get out of bed this morning
4) driven 60 miles to the wirral to meet a scouser...had a great time...she says she loves me...am not goin back...ya see any scouse girls lookin for iain then ya never saw me
5) made my 1st post in this forum...this is it btw...
thanks for lending me your thread ice...catch y'all later
1) joined SH..good move i think
2) found out the american girl comin to meet me was a bunny boiler...she ain't comin no more
3) thrown a sicky from work today coz i couldn't be assed to get out of bed this morning
4) driven 60 miles to the wirral to meet a scouser...had a great time...she says she loves me...am not goin back...ya see any scouse girls lookin for iain then ya never saw me
5) made my 1st post in this forum...this is it btw...
thanks for lending me your thread ice...catch y'all later
