Sexpert
i go to bed with mr krazykayaker and of course my damn gorgeous pussy - but why oh why does she have to wake me up my sitting on my face
Join the most popular community of UK swingers now
Login
krazykayaker
Over 90 days ago
Bisexual Female, 40
Straight Male, 43
0 miles · County Durham
Forum
Sexpert
ill ask the bf for some advice being an it tech and get him to message u xxxxxxxx
Sexpert
What Not To Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around—that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around—that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Sexpert
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother
heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked,
"And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped
laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother
heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked,
"And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped
laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Sexpert
Housekeeping Hints For Real Women
The Good Housekeeping Way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with
your feet up eating it anyway.
The Good Housekeeping Way #2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.
The Good Housekeeping Way #3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way
The Cheese Cake Shop sells cakes. They even do decorated
versions.
The Good Housekeeping Way #4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough
shit. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
The Good Housekeeping Way #5
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way
I don't care if it could keep forever, I don't eat it!
The Good Housekeeping Way #6
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield
beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way
Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg
whites over the crust so I don't do that either.
The Good Housekeeping Way #7
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in
2 ounces of tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the
headache, but at least you will be too drunk to give a shit.
The Good Housekeeping Way #8
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way
Go ask mister tight arse cutelegs, single neighbour to do it
for you.
The Good Housekeeping Way #9
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way
Leftover wine????? What leftover wine???????
-----------
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
The Good Housekeeping Way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with
your feet up eating it anyway.
The Good Housekeeping Way #2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.
The Good Housekeeping Way #3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way
The Cheese Cake Shop sells cakes. They even do decorated
versions.
The Good Housekeeping Way #4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough
shit. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
The Good Housekeeping Way #5
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way
I don't care if it could keep forever, I don't eat it!
The Good Housekeeping Way #6
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield
beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way
Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg
whites over the crust so I don't do that either.
The Good Housekeeping Way #7
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in
2 ounces of tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the
headache, but at least you will be too drunk to give a shit.
The Good Housekeeping Way #8
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way
Go ask mister tight arse cutelegs, single neighbour to do it
for you.
The Good Housekeeping Way #9
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way
Leftover wine????? What leftover wine???????
-----------
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Sexpert
15 fun things to do in public places
1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what
kind of conversation you can start.
(I met lots of new people this way)
2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to
that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You
forgot my name, didn't you!?"
(People normally look at me very confused with this one.)
3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help.
(If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")
4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down.
See if they apologize.
(This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when
I try to bump them.)
5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say,
"What?"
(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused
also.)
6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to
be a monkey.
(It works with any animal.)
7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when
someone walks by.
(It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)
8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up
to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was
just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my
pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at
you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my
obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?"
(It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)
9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself.
(It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)
10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?"
(I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)
11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold
it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?"
(Confusion is funny.)
12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to
people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their
hand.
(Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things
sticking to your hand.)
13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't
do that."
(It works with trees too.)
14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by
catapult."
(There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by
malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)
15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures.
(Twice the people = twice the fun.)
Be careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun.
1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what
kind of conversation you can start.
(I met lots of new people this way)
2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to
that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You
forgot my name, didn't you!?"
(People normally look at me very confused with this one.)
3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help.
(If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")
4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down.
See if they apologize.
(This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when
I try to bump them.)
5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say,
"What?"
(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused
also.)
6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to
be a monkey.
(It works with any animal.)
7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when
someone walks by.
(It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)
8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up
to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was
just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my
pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at
you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my
obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?"
(It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)
9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself.
(It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)
10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?"
(I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)
11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold
it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?"
(Confusion is funny.)
12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to
people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their
hand.
(Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things
sticking to your hand.)
13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't
do that."
(It works with trees too.)
14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by
catapult."
(There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by
malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)
15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures.
(Twice the people = twice the fun.)
Be careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun.
Sexpert
any cpls/fems in the york/leeds area fancy meeting up with us? we can travel and accomodate and dont bite unless asked nicely
Sexpert
hello, just wondering if anyone knew about the injections you can have every 3 months instead of being on the pill that stop ur periods and how long they take to work? ive just had my first one (depo-provera). i was told i wud hav a little spotting for a few months as it wud take time to settle in and stuff, but i still got my hopes u i wudnt (and then i did and it was all tears)
has anyone esle had experience with it?
just so i know what to expect!
has anyone esle had experience with it?
just so i know what to expect! Sexpert
:evil2: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: 
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :laughabove: :P
hee hee hee
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :laughabove: :P hee hee hee
Sexpert
dont live down south at all, but didnt want u to feel lonely so ~hugs and hugs and more hugs ~ :boo: 
Sexpert
lol i hope we get to meet u guys soon- ur parties sound a fantastic laugh ~hugs for all~
Sexpert
hey dawn, yes i know what that stuff is, i was on it when the doctor couldnt stop my periods and i was bleeding for 3 weeks plus, sadly the didnt work for me until i was given a high enough dose and i was in hospital by that time, but hopefully if its just for generally heavy periods then they shud work as they are good stuff!! hope that helps xxxx the doctots now give me an injection every 3 months and i dont get periods as mine were too heavy and painful
~hugs for u babe~
~hugs for u babe~
Sexpert
aww bless thanks matt! sorry i couldnt stay longer on ur birthday and i hope u didnt get in too much bother at work xxxx
Sexpert
oh well....just for the record i am female and i put oil and window cleaning stuff in it as well.... well done me
as for the creme well ill lick it off so dont worry
on showing my bf the post he laughed and then said he serviced a cpls girl at 36,000 which had never been serviced before and the oil had to scrapped off what was left it and (and yes he is proud of the day he serviced 2 lesbians - men
)
as for the creme well ill lick it off so dont worry
on showing my bf the post he laughed and then said he serviced a cpls girl at 36,000 which had never been serviced before and the oil had to scrapped off what was left it and (and yes he is proud of the day he serviced 2 lesbians - men
) Sexpert
hmmm i dont have a place for mine, in the bedside cabinet, under the pillow lalala i shud be more organised
Sexpert
hello - anyone from yorks fancy a meet 2nite? or is there anything going on that we dont know about? cheers xxxx
Sexpert
having a bad day now, so just wondered if any girls on here have been accused of being male becuase i said to someone in the chatroom if u want to met up ull have to bring a female companion (thats only cos im bi) as we dont do single males. im the female half of the cpl and its only really me that uses to chat n stuff cos the bf likes his pc games too much.
anyways just wondering if anyone esle has had the same prob of someone thinking they are male? i do hate it but hey thats life i get people to ring me and then im believe but i wish i didnt have to do that, i hate imposters who ruin things for the rest of us
anyways just wondering if anyone esle has had the same prob of someone thinking they are male? i do hate it but hey thats life i get people to ring me and then im believe but i wish i didnt have to do that, i hate imposters who ruin things for the rest of us
Sexpert
ok i have 2 things that shud do webcam but i cant get em to work
sony video cam - what leeds do i need?
prackitca DC20 digicam- grr put it onto pc mode and plug it in and it just turns off
so frustrating......................help
sony video cam - what leeds do i need?
prackitca DC20 digicam- grr put it onto pc mode and plug it in and it just turns off
so frustrating......................help
Sexpert
grr quote thing didnt work - god a cant use pcs! why does the bf let me have one
Sexpert
Getting shitty with moderators will not help you get a quick fuck from a woman in Leeds. In fact, all it will do is get you banned. I suggest you wind your neck in and go and pay a hooker if you're that desperate.
lmao@ bluexxx- good suggestion sounds like thats all he needs anyways - hope he has some money
lmao@ bluexxx- good suggestion sounds like thats all he needs anyways - hope he has some money
